Uncensored - Ricky Velez - Living with Anxiety

New York Comedy Festival Season 1, Ep 0101 01/11/2011 Views: 2,569

Ricky Velez loves living in New York City, but it's not a great place to cope with anxiety or be stoned in public. (1:45)

- I like livin' in New York, but I,

it's awful, I live with anxiety, anybody else have it?

If you don't know what it is, it's a white people disease

I caught from my Jewish girlfriend when she sneezed on me,

that's how you get it.

She was like, "Achoo!"

And I was like, "I'm nervous about everything.

"This shit sucks."

(audience laughs)

And the minute you say you have anxiety in New York City,

they bring you to adoctor and they go ahead

then they try to put you on pills, and I refused to do it,

so I smoke weed, but that doesn't help in New York City.

Alright, I was recently in Colorado.

That's a great place tofuckin' have anxiety.

You get high, you go outside, you look at mountains.

That will help out your anxiety.

You get high in New York City, you get on the train,

that's the worst thing you can do as a human being, OK?

I was recently high on the train, I'm holding the pole,

another dude holding the pole, seems like a normal dude,

normal day goin' on,

just some pole holdin' normal stuff goin' on.

(audience laughs)

Nope, he's a weirdo.

Took his finger, put it in my pocket.

(audience laughs)

And now I'm high on the train with a finger in my pocket.

That's what happened.

(audience laughs)

What do you do as a man?

You fight him, right?

You gotta fight him.

You got a finger in your pocket

on the E train during rush hour, it's fight time.

You don't fight him, other dudes are gonna put

fingers in your pocket,you gotta mess him up.

Not me, I got anxiety.

I just turned to him andsaid, "No thank you."

That's all I said.

No thank you, like he caught me

on the wrong day or some shit.

(audience laughs)

My life's out of control right now.

My friends are having kids.

It's messed up, I'm not ready for it,

I'm 25, I don't wanna deal with it.

My friend just had thefirst kid, calls me up,

"I need you there the first day you have."

"What, why, why?"

"I want you to be godfather."

"Oh wait, that means if you die, I get it?

"No thank you.

"You dropped acid on a Wednesday,

"I don't trust your life decisions, OK?"