Crime on Every Page

Season 1 , Ep 5 08/01/10 Views: 227,699

Detroit's local newspaper doesn't have an obituary section; it has a threat page. (1:54)

THEY HOOKED THIS PLACE UPSO NICE.

IT'S THE DAMN EL REY.

I'M GONNA TELL YOUSOMETHING, MAN,

WE AS COMEDIANS, WE WILL PERFORMIN SOME CRAPPY-ASS CLUBS.

THIS PLACE RIGHT HEREIS NICE!

IT HAS A SOUND SYSTEM.CASSIDY, THIS IS SICK, RIGHT?

- CRAZY.- THE SOUND IS CRAZY.

- SOUNDS GREAT.

- YOU KNOW, WE HAVE BEENIN SOME TERRIBLE-ASS CLUBS.

- HORRIBLE.- I DID A CLUB ONE NIGHT.

MAN, THE SPEAKERSWERE OLD AS HELL.

MY JOKES WAS COMING OUTIN BLACK AND WHITE.

I WAS, LIKE, GOD DAMN!

AND ALL Y'ALL YOUNGSTERSOUT THERE,

I'M GONNATELL Y'ALL SOMETHING.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOUSOME ADVICE, MAN--

WHEN YOU TRAVEL, BROTHER,ALWAYS READ THE LOCAL PAPER.

I'M TELLING YOU.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

WE AS COMEDIANS, WE TRAVELALL OVER THE COUNTRY

BEING COMEDIANS, MAN.

YOU KNOW, WE GOTO ALL THESE CITIES, MAN.

I ALWAYS PLAY IT SAFEAND READ THE PAPER

'CAUSE I DON'T KNOWWHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

ALWAYS READ THE LOCAL PAPER,MR. THUG.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMNWHERE YOU GO.

BAHAMAS, BERMUDA.

READ THE HEAVEN GAZETTEIF YOU GOT TO.

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

READ THE DAMN LOCAL PAPER

AND SEE THE WHAT THE HELL'SGOING ON.

YOU EVER BEEN TO DETROIT,MICHIGAN?

HORRIBLE. OH, MAN.SORRY, DETROIT. SORRY, DETROIT.

I WENT TO DETROIT, MAN.

I'M TELLING YOU--I GOTA LOCAL PAPER, READ THE PAPER.

CRIME ON EVERY DAMN PAGE.I'M, LIKE, "JESUS!

"THERE'S NOTHING GOODOUT HERE?

GOD DANG IT!THIS IS TERRIBLE!"

CRIME IN THE DAMNCLASSIFIEDS.

"I'LL BE DAMNED.LOOK AT THIS.

"'STOLEN CAR FOR SALE.'

"THEY'RE GONNA SELL MY CARRIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

"LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, '79 DATSUN.THAT'S MY DAMN CAR!

GONNA SELL MY CARRIGHT IN FRONT OF ME?"

THEY AIN'T GO NO OBITUARIES.THEY GOT A THREAT PAGE.

"RODNEY THOMPSON,YOUR ASS IS DEAD TOMORROW."

MM. THEY DONE PREDICTEDYOUR DEATH.

YOU KNOW IT'S BAD WHEN THERE'SCRIME IN THE HOROSCOPE.

THAT'S WHEN IT'S BAD.

YOU READ YOUR DAMN HOROSCOPE.

IT SAY "LIBRA, YOU'LL BE ROBBEDBY A CAPRICORN TODAY."

YOU'RE, LIKE, "GOD DAMN!I CAN'T GO NOWHERE AROUND HERE!"

LET'S DO THIS, Y'ALL.

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