Kurt Metzger - Kinoki Foot Pads

  • Season 13 , Ep 1
  • 01/11/2009
  • Views: 16,187

If Kurt is ever HIV positive, he'll have to treat it with Kinoki Foot Pads. (3:54)

UH, YEAH, I DON'T HAVE IT.THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I PROBABLY WOULDN'TBRING IT UP HERE,

AT MY "COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS"IF I DID HAVE IT.

OR THIS EARLY IN THE SET,ANYWAY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY,SO I HAD TO GO TAKE THE --

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T HAVETHE HEALTH-INSURANCE TEST

WHERE YOU HAVE A FAMILY DOCTOR,AND IT'S ALL REASSURING.

YOU'RE LIKE,"OH, DOC, I'M SCARED."

HE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,YOU CAME FROM A GOODFAMILY. YOU'RE FINE."

I DIDN'T HAVE THAT.

I HAD THE FREE TEST

WHERE YOU GET A $4 METRO CARDFOR THE SUBWAY

FOR COMING IN.

UH, IF YOU DON'T HAVE AIDS,

IT'S PRETTY AWESOMETO GET THAT METRO CARD.

IT REALLY --

IT REALLY IS, UH --

[ LAUGHS ]

IT'S GREAT, ACTUALLY.

[ CHUCKLES ]

YEAH, SO, THEY GIVE YOU ANINTERVIEW WHILE YOU'RE WAITING

ABOUT YOUR DIRTY LIFETHAT BROUGHT YOU TO THIS TEST,

AND THIS IS A REAL QUESTIONI WAS ASKED.

THIS [BLEEP] GOES, "HAVE YOUKNOWINGLY HAD UNPROTECTED SEX

WITH SOMEONE THAT WAS H.I.V.POSITIVE RECENTLY?"

AND I GO, "OF COURSE!WHY?

WHAT?CAN YOU GET AIDS FROM THAT?"

AND THEN, AT ONE POINT,SHE HELD UP A CONDOM

AND ASKED MEIF I KNEW WHAT IT WAS.

I'M LIKE, "OF COURSE I KNOWWHAT THAT IS,

"BUT HOW DO I FIT THATOVER MY FIST?

"THAT'S REALLY MY PROBLEM.

I WANT TO BE SAFE.I WANT TO BE."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

YEAH, I WASN'T MAKINGANY WISE COMMENTS, REALLY.

I WAS ACTUALLY CRYINGBECAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD AIDS.

THAT'S REALLYWHAT WAS HAPPENING.

THE CHICK'S LIKE,"OH, YOU'RE A COMEDIAN.

MAYBE YOU'LL HAVE A FUNNY SKITABOUT THIS."

I'M LIKE, "THERE'S NOTHING FUNNYABOUT AIDS, YOU BITCH!"

OH, AND ALSO, THEY ASK YOUWHAT YOU PLAN TO DO

IF IT TURNS OUTYOU DO HAVE H.I.V.,

AND I'M LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.

"I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE,

"SO, PROBABLY, I WILL JUST HAVETO TREAT IT AT HOME

"USING KINOKI FOOT PADS.

"THAT'S REALLY MY ONLY OPTION.

"I HAVE A LIFETIME SUPPLYOF THEM.

THEY TAKE A LOT OF TOXINSOUT OF YOU, SO..."

DID YOU EVER SEE THOSECOMMERCIALS FOR THOSE PADS?

THEY'RE BASED ONANCIENT JAPANESE REFLEXOLOGY,

SO YOU KNOW IT'S NOT BULL[BLEEP]

AND THEY [CHUCKLES]

IT'S THESE PADS THAT YOU PUT ONYOUR FEET WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING,

AND THEN ALL OF THE TOXINSIN YOUR BODY

COME OUT THROUGH YOUR FEETONTO THIS PAD,

AND WHEN YOU WAKE UP,THE PAD IS BLACK.

IT TURNS BLACK.

LIKE, I THOUGHT THOSE WEREJUST CALLED SOCKS, BUT NO.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY CALLEDKINOKI FOOT PADS.

AND, UH, THE GUYIN THE COMMERCIAL'S LIKE,

"JUST LIKE A TREETHAT ABSORBS ENERGY FROM THE SUN

"AND MOVES OUT WASTEALONG THE ROOTS,

YOUR BODY WORKS THE SAME WAY!"

AND NOT ONLY IS THAT NOT HOWYOUR BODY WORKS,

THAT'S NOT EVEN HOWA [BLEEP] TREE WORKS!

THAT IS AMAZING

THAT THEY CAN GET AWAYWITH SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

REALLY?THAT'S HOW IT WORKS?

THAT'S WHY --IS THAT WHY I FEEL SICK?

BECAUSE MY FEET HAVE BEENHOLDING IN [BLEEP] FOR 30 YEARS

AND I DIDN'T HAVETHE RIGHT SHOE DIAPERS TO WEAR?

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH.

OH, I MET THESE TWINS TODAY.

I WAS ALL EXCITED TO MEET TWINS,

'CAUSE I AM ALWAYS EXCITEDFOR THAT.

THAT'S EXCITING,BUT THEY WERE THAT CRAPPY KIND

THAT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKEEACH OTHER.

I DON'T EVEN KNOWWHAT THEY'RE CALLED.

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE?"THAT'S WHAT I CALL THEM.

BORING.

OR DID YOU EVER SEE,LIKE, WHERE THEY'RESUPPOSED TO BE IDENTICAL,

BUT ONE TWIN JUST LOOKS LIKETHE OTHER TWIN KIND OF MELTED,

BUT, LIKE, THEY STILL, LIKE,WEAR TWIN CLOTHES TO FOOL YOU?

"GET OUT OF HERE.YOU'RE NOT THE REAL TWINS."

I LIKE THE ONESTHAT SOLVE MYSTERIES

AND GET PIRATE TREASURE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE OLSEN TWINSUSED TO DO ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.THEY'RE THE PERFECT TWINS.

THAT'S WHY MARY-KATE

COULDN'T HELP THE POLICEWITH HEATH LEDGER,

BECAUSE HER AND HER SISTER

ARE TRYING TO CRACK THE CASETHEMSELVES.

THE OLSEN-TWIN WAY.

[ LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S RIGHT.

YEP.

THEY'RE GONNA DO ITBY HAVING A SPOOKY SLEEPOVER

AT THE OLD LEDGER PLACE!

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