I'm from a very mountainouspart of the country,
a real rural partof the country.
I saw a sign that said"falling rock zone."
I'm flying down the highway,just speeding.
A cop pulls me over.
He's like, "Son, do you knowhow fast you were going?"
I'm like,"As fast as I can, sir."
He's like, "What do you mean?"
"Sir, I saw a sign back there
"that said,'falling rock zone.'
So I'm trying to getthe fuck out."
He's like, "Son, you got to slowdown in a falling rock zone."
I'm like, "Officer, I've donethe math on this thing.
"The slower I go,the higher the probability
I diein a Donkey Kong incident."
Being pulled over is a reallyinteresting experience.
They make you sit there fora while, just make you scared,
make you a little on edge.
And then the first questionthey ask you
is always a trick,right?
They always say, "Son, doyou know why I pulled you over?"
And I'm a pretty trusting guy.
I'm pretty naive.I'll guess.
Bad call.Do not guess.
The cop's like, "Son, doyou know why I pulled you over?"
"Because you know I have weedin my glove compartment?
I don't know."
He's like,"Step out of the vehicle."
I'm like, "You tricked me, dude.
You're like a leprechaun."
Don't fall for that.
I argue a lot with cops,which is my problem.
And it's not my fault.
It's not'cause I don't respect cops.
I think it's a very heroic job,you know.
They protect people.
I love that about cops.
But my fatheris a public speech professor.
He teaches rhetoric, right?
He teaches arguments,how to form an argument.
From the time I'm a kid,
he would ask me my opinionon something.
"Owen, what do you thinkabout this?"
I'm like,"This is what I think, Dad."
And he'd be like,"If you can't argue
"the other side in five minutes,you have no right
to that opinion,'cause you're ignorant."
I'm like, "I'm five.
That's gonna mess me upfor the rest of my life."
And it did.
'Cause the problem with it,it made me too good at arguing.
To the point where I'll call outa cop and win,
and then they hate me,right?
Cop pulls me over, right?
He's like, "Son, do you knowwhy I pulled you over?"
This is a true story,by the way.
I'm like, "I'm not falling
for your shit, leprechaun."
I'm just kidding.I didn't actually say that.
But I didn't fall for it.
I'm like, "No, sir.
Why did you pull me over?"He was like,
"'Cause you're talkingon a cell phone and driving.
You can't do thatin California, son."
I'm like, "Why not?"He was like,
"You have to operate a vehiclewith two hands."
I'm like, "Is it illegalto be one-armed?"
He's like, "No."
I go, "Do one-armed people--are they still allowed
to drive in California?"He goes, "Yeah."
I go, "Okay, so pretendI'm one-armed.
"This is my bonus armthat I legally don't need.
"I don't need this arm.
"This does not needto be on my body.
"This does not need to be here.
And I'm gonna hold a phonewith my bonus arm."
He's like,"No, but you're holding--"
I go, "What if I was holdinga banana up to my head?
"What if I was justa little messed up?
"What if I was talkingto a banana?
"I know that's not illegal.You can talk to a banana.
"So now your job--
"your job is to prove the objectin my hand has reception,
"which is gonna be hard,'cause I have the new iPhone,
and I'm goingthrough the mountains."
He's like,"Son, you step out of the car."
I'm like--Dude handcuffs me, right?
Couldn't help it.I'm too much of a smartass.
I go, "By the way,if I was one-armed,
you couldn't fuckinghandcuff me."