Gilbert Gottfried - Powerful Right Arm

  • Season 6 , Ep 9
  • 06/16/2002
  • Views: 4,504

Gilbert Gottfried masturbates so much that his right arm has become a weapon. (3:27)

O.J. SIMPSON HAS CUSTODY

OF THE KIDS.

(LAUGHTER)

I THINK O.J. WILL MAKE A GREAT

FATHER.

SEE THE AVERAGE PARENT SAYS,

"DO YOUR HOMEWORK."

AND THE KIDS ARE LIKE,

"YEAH, I'LL DO IT AFTER I GET

THROUGH WATCHING TV."

O.J. SAYS, "DO YOUR HOMEWORK,

IT'S LIKE, "YES!

I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW!

AND I'M DOING NEXT YEARS

HOMEWORK, ALSO!

I'M WRITING MY GRADUATION SPEECH

FOR COLLEGE!"

YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE PARENT

SAYS CLEAN YOUR ROOM, IT'S LIKE

"MAYBE TOMORROW I'LL CLEAN IT."

O.J. SAYS CLEAN YOUR ROOM,

IT'S LIKE, "YES, AND

I'M PAINTING IT!"

I'M ADDING A SUN DECK!"

(LAUGHTER)

THEY TALK THAT WAY.

EVERY TIME YOU OPEN THE PAPER

NOW THERE SEEMS TO BE ANOTHER

CELEBRITY GETTING ARRESTED

FOR MASTURBATION.

FIRST IT WAS PEE-WEE HERMAN,

AND THEN GEORGE MICHAEL.

IF MASTURBATION IS A CRIME,

I SHOULD BE ON DEATH ROW.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I SHOULDA BEEN EXECUTED

YEARS AGO.

TO THINK THAT BY AGE TWELVE

I WAS ALREADY AL CAPONE.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S LIKE RIGHT NOW,

MY RIGHT HAND IS LIKE SUPERMAN.

PUT A PIECE OF CHARCOAL IN IT

AND I COULD CRUSH IT INTO A

DIAMOND.

IT'S LIKE IF A POLICEMAN CAME

TO ARREST ME THEY'D SAY, "OKAY,

NOW WHEN YOU GO CLOSE TO HIM,

MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET NEAR HIS

RIGHT ARM.

IT'S EXTREMELY POWERFUL."

THE COPS WOULD BE COMING

AFTER ME AND I'D BE, "STAY BACK!

I'LL CRUSH ALL OF YOU!"

(LAUGHTER)

HOW EXACTLY DO THEY PROVE

THAT YOU'VE BEEN MASTURBATING?

DO THEY DUST FOR PRINTS?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GO CLOTHES

SHOPPING WITH COLISTA FLOCKHART.

WHENEVER WE GO OUT SHOPPING

TOGETHER, SHE COMES OUT OF

THE CHANGING ROOM EACH TIME

WITH A DIFFERENT OUTFIT AND GOES

"DOES THIS DRESS MAKE MY

SPINAL CHORD LOOK BIG?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

FINALLY, I GOT A LITTLE WORRIED

AND I TOOK HER TO THE DOCTOR

FOR A CHECK-UP.

THEY DON'T ACTUALLY X-RAY HER

THE NURSE STANDS BEHIND HER

WITH A FLASH LIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

"OH, YEAH, THAT LOOKS PRETTY

NORMAL."

LAST TIME THEY GOT A LITTLE

WORRIED THEY FOUND A SUSPICIOUS

LUMP, THEN THEY SAID,

"IT'S OKAY.

SHE SWALLOWED A RAISIN.

(LAUGHTER)

I VISITED DR. KEVORKIAN ONCE

AND HE SAID, "HOW ARE YOU?"

I WENT "FINE, FINE!

(LAUGHTER)

"I DON'T KNOW, TO ME YOU LOOK

A LITTLE PALE?"

"I FEEL GREAT!"

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