Robert Hawkins - In the Army

  • Season 7 , Ep 20
  • 07/03/2003
  • Views: 2,909

Apparently, an education is required to join the Air Force. (3:09)

Robert Hawkins: I WAS IN

THE ARMY FOR THREE YEARS, U.S.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANYBODY ELSE?

HOW 'BOUT A HAND FOR ALL OUR

SOLDIERS WHO ARE ABROAD?

[CHEERS, WHISTLES, APPLAUSE]

AND ALL THE BROADS WHO ARE

SOLDIERS, GIVE IT UP FOR THEM,

TOO, I DON'T WANT 'EM KICKIN'

MY ASS.

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

MY FIRST CHOICE WAS THE AIR

FORCE.

I WANTED TO BE A PILOT.

BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAVE TO HAVE

AN EDUCATION.

AND YOU CAN'T HAVE A CRIMINAL

RECORD.

AND...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU CAN'T MAKE FACES LIKE THAT

ALL THE TIME.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I WASN'T GONNA JOIN THE

MARINES 'CAUSE I'VE SEEN THEIR

COMMERCIALS AND I KNOW THERE'S A

BIG MONSTER IN THEIR BOOT CAMP.

[LAUGHTER]

AND I DON'T WANNA FIGHT NO

MONSTER AFTER I'VE CLIMBED

THE VOLCANO.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU EVER SEEN A COAST GUARD

COMMERCIAL?

I HAVEN'T.

IT SHOULD BE "THE COAST GUARD.

SURE, WE BURN ALL THOSE DRUGS.

BUT WE STAND REALLY CLOSE."

[LAUGHTER]

[APPLAUSE]

DOWNWIND LIKE A MOTHER...

I LEARNED A LOT IN THE ARMY.

I LEARNED HOW TO MASTURBATE

QUIET.

[LAUGHTER]

SO THAT YOU MAY BE FREE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

I WAS KILLED FIVE TIMES IN

SIMULATED BATTLE.

ONE WAS A SUICIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

WELL, THEY SENT ME TO TEXAS

FOR THREE YEARS.

I WANTED TO GO ELSEWHERE.

I WANTED TO INVADE HAWAII, MAN,

YOU KNOW?

TEXAS?

JESUS.

WE BOMBED LIBYA WHEN I WAS IN.

1986, WE BLANKET BOMBED A TENT

CITY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

DESERT, AND WE MISSED QUADAFI

WITH BOMBS ON TENTS.

[LAUGHTER]

EVEN IF THEY HAD THE GOOD TENTS,

OUR WORST BOMB SHOULD GO THROUGH

THAT, RIGHT?

I MEAN...

[LAUGHTER]

YOU COULD HAVE SENT ONE GUY

IN WITH A BASEBALL BAT AND GET

A BETTER RATION THAN WE GOT.

[LAUGHTER]

JUST WALK UP TO ANY TENT.

[HITTING NOISES]

"OW!

OW!

HEY!"

"QUADAFI?"

"UH-UH."

[LAUGHTER]

"TWO TENTS DOWN."

"THANK YOU."

[HITTING NOISES]

"OH!

HEY!"

I SHOULD BE AN ADVISOR.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH

THE MILITARY, NO LEADERSHIP.

FIRST THING WE DO, WE GET RID

OF THE DAMN BLUE ANGELS.

WHAT'S THEIR PURPOSE IN A COMBAT

SITUATION?

WHY DO WE SPEND HOW MUCH MONEY

ON THEM FLYIN' AROUND SETTIN'

OFF CAR ALARMS?

IS THAT THEIR FUNCTION?

[LAUGHTER]

"WE MUST CRUSH AMERICANS!

THEY'RE EVIL AND THEY MUST DIE

FOR KILLING IRAQI PEOPLE!

I AM SO ANGRY.

I WILL SCRATCH AND PUNCH MY OWN

FACE!

SCRATCH AND PUNCH!

[SOUND OF PLANE OVERHEAD]

IS THAT THE BLUE ANGELS?"

[LAUGHTER]

"THROW YOUR WEAPONS DOWN.

IT'S A PERFECT DIAMOND.

[LAUGHTER]

SURRENDER BEFORE THEY

LOOP-DE-LOOP AND SMOKE COMES

OUT!

I HAVE SEEN THIS!

[LAUGHTER]

GRAB YOUR FLIP-FLOPS AND LET'S

RUN FOR IT NOW!

SNAP, SNAP, SNAP, SNAP.

BEFORE THE THUNDERBIRDS AND

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS SHOW UP.

AND ON-- SNAP, SNAP, SAND, SNAP,

TURD, SNAP.

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