Doug Benson - Dead States

Benson, Kasher, Harris, Sullivan, TuRae, Wittels, Glover Season 4, Ep 6 11/20/2009 Views: 32,488

The 37 states that have not legalized medical marijuana are dead to Doug Benson. (3:21)

My name is Doug Benson

and I'm here to recruit you

to smoke weed

or not give a damnif other people smoke weed.

(applause and cheering)Right?

How hard could that be

to fall into one of those twosimple categories?

It's not likethe non-pot smokers

have to deal with pot smokersall the time.

We don't show up at your houseand kick the door down

and blow a bong-loadinto your hoo-hoo.

I don't even knowwhat a hoo-hoo is.

How can I blow

a bong-load into it?Doesn't make sense.

I got into an elevator one day,

and there was this dudestanding in there,

and I was cool with that, 'causethat's how elevators work.


I mean, it was the ground floor,

so it was weird he was alreadyin there, but I go in there.

And the door shut and a fewseconds later, he's like,

"Is that you that smellsso good up in here?"

And I was like,"Oh, wow, we got ourselves

"a pot connoisseur

and he smells it on my clothesand/or breath."

And then, a few seconds later,

I realize thatI had (bleep) myself and...

I was like,"That guy is a weirdo."

It does not smell goodup in here.

(laughter, smatter of applause)

People say pot smokersare stupid,

but if I was so stupid,could I do this

amazing mental featthat you're about to enjoy

with your ear holes?

Check this out.

And don't try to help meif you know it, you guys.

All right, here we go.

Alaska, California,Colorado, Hawaii,

Maine, Michigan, Montana,

Nevada, New Mexico, Oregon,Rhode Island...

Rhode Island, Vermontand Washington.

(laughter, smatter of applause)

Those are the 13 states wheremedical marijuana is legal.

And the rest of the statesare dead to me.

I will memorize themwhen they get it together.

Connecticut, dead.New York, dead. New England--

not a state, listen.

I don't think little kidsshould do drugs, I don't.

But I thinkthe commercials to get

little kids to not do drugs are

(falsetto): crazy.

There's onewhere a bunch of dudes

go out in the middle of a field,

and they find a littlesmall horse,

donkey, animal thingy,and they yank

on its tail, right?

Until it kicks one guyin the leg really hard.

Then the other guy goes,"I'm not doing that.

I'm not high."

And the voiceover goes,"Live above the influence."

Now, I've been higha few times, you guys.

And I got to tell you,I have never been

the kind of high where I turnto the people I was with

and said, "Hey, you knowwhat we should do?

We should leave the houseand we should..."

I could quit right there.I've never said that

we should leave the house.

And then let's go outinto a crap-covered field

and mess with a poor, innocentanimal until it hurts us.

That is a very particularkind of high.

That's-- if you have thatkind of weed, I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm good. I never thoughtI'd say that, but I'm good.