Then I got to my hotel.
I don't know if you're stillplaying the picture-it game,
but it's not like a DoubleTree.
It's like an abandoned building
someone had spray-paintedthe word "hotel" on.
Put 'emwherever it tickles you.
I'm checking in behindthree feet of bulletproof glass.
I still think it's gonna bea delightful stay.
I'm askingwhat the Wi-Fi password is.
"What is it?What?
"It's hard to hear youthrough this protective casing.
"It's 'Stab me'?
There's an underscore.Stabóme? Thank you so much."
Then it hits me.This has nothing to do
with me or my perceptionof this area.
This is a messed-up area.
I don't care who you are,
you need to getthe [bleep] out of this area.
So I'm in the middleof the transaction,
and I didn't knowwhat to say.
I had my roller bag,and I was just like,
And I just rolled out.
I'm in the parking lot.It's 11:00 A.M.
It already looks likea Bone Thugs-n-Harmony video.
I don't want to goto the crossroads just yet.
So this is the most cowardly,lamest, most pathetic thing
I've ever done in my life.
I got in my rental car,Kia Sorrento--
already pretty lame--
terrified,no idea where I was,
no idea where I needed to go,
turned on the GPS,hand trembling,
just knew I needed to getfar, far away from there,
typed in Barnes & Noble.
I feel some of you are not sureif you can laugh at that joke,
and I feel that same percentage
filing that awayas a viable option
to get outof a sketchy neighborhood.
I could have done Panera.
I could have done Apple store.
15 minutes later I had a scone.Do you understand?
It was not my finest moment.
I think I'm getting toocomfortable with swearing.
I recently told my doctor
that I don't really [bleep]with cheese.
I was in a doctor's office
in the morning,
and he was like,"Tell me about your diet."
I was like, "Pretty good.
Don't really [bleep]with cheese."
Maybe pump the brakes,ol' Petey Pants.
Maybe pump the brakes.