Pete Holmes - Sketchy Neighborhood Pt. 2

Pete Holmes: Nice Try, The Devil Season 1, Ep 1 05/12/2013 Views: 14,622

Pete Holmes reveals the most cowardly and pathetic thing he has ever done. (2:15)

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Then I got to my hotel.

I don't know if you're stillplaying the picture-it game,

but it's not like a DoubleTree.

It's like an abandoned building

someone had spray-paintedthe word "hotel" on.

Two Es.

Put 'emwherever it tickles you.

I'm checking in behindthree feet of bulletproof glass.

I still think it's gonna bea delightful stay.

I'm askingwhat the Wi-Fi password is.

"What is it?What?

"It's hard to hear youthrough this protective casing.

"It's 'Stab me'?

"How odd.Stab--underscore?

There's an underscore.Stabóme? Thank you so much."

Then it hits me.This has nothing to do

with me or my perceptionof this area.

This is a messed-up area.

I don't care who you are,

you need to getthe [bleep] out of this area.

So I'm in the middleof the transaction,

and I didn't knowwhat to say.

I had my roller bag,and I was just like,

"Never mind."

And I just rolled out.

I'm in the parking lot.It's 11:00 A.M.

It already looks likea Bone Thugs-n-Harmony video.

I don't want to goto the crossroads just yet.

So this is the most cowardly,lamest, most pathetic thing

I've ever done in my life.

I got in my rental car,Kia Sorrento--

already pretty lame--

terrified,no idea where I was,

no idea where I needed to go,

turned on the GPS,hand trembling,

just knew I needed to getfar, far away from there,

typed in Barnes & Noble.


I feel some of you are not sureif you can laugh at that joke,

and I feel that same percentage

filing that awayas a viable option

to get outof a sketchy neighborhood.

It worked.

I could have done Panera.

I could have done Apple store.

15 minutes later I had a scone.Do you understand?

You're welcome.

It was not my finest moment.

I think I'm getting toocomfortable with swearing.

I recently told my doctor

that I don't really [bleep]with cheese.

That's true.

I was in a doctor's office

in the morning,

and he was like,"Tell me about your diet."

I was like, "Pretty good.

Don't really [bleep]with cheese."

Maybe pump the brakes,ol' Petey Pants.

Maybe pump the brakes.