Kurt Braunohler - Caught Masturbating

Kurt Braunohler: Trust Me Season 1, Ep 1 03/04/2017 Views: 858

Two weeks into Kurt Braunohler's marriage, his wife walked in to find him full-on masturbating in the presence of his judgmental dog. (1:49)

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Day 16.

Two weeks and two daysafter saying my nuptials

to my newlywed wife, my wifecatches me masturbating.

(laughter)

And like, full on masturbating.

Pants around ankles,pornography open on a laptop,

dog cowering in the corner.

And let's talk about thatfor a second.

This is an animalthat spends 50% of her time

licking her own pussyand asshole.

She gets real judgywhen I jerk off.

And I'm simply not expectingmy wife home so soon.

And I hear the door open.

And I'm trying to, like,pull my pants up,

slap a laptop shut.

I told the dog to be (bleep)ingcool about it.

And I just hear her go,what are you doing?

And I wish I played it cool,Portland.

I did not.

I just went, nothing!

(laughter)

Like, I've never saidthe word "nothing"

and had it sound more like,"I'm masturbating on the couch!"

The dog's ashamed!

My poor wife.That's two weeks into marriage.

How horrible for her.

And male masturbation'snot pretty,

it's not something you just comeupon unprepared for, you know?

It's not like femalemasturbation.

That's beautiful.That's like the--

The digital age, a lotof swiping involved, you know?

Male masturbation is just, like,the industrial revolution.

Like, I gotta go to work,I gotta go to work!

I gotta go to work!

There's smoke,coal is involved somehow.

Everybody just gets an onionand a beer for lunch.