Mike Yard's The Y Files - President Obama Commutes Prison Sentences

August 10, 2016 - Deshauna Barber 08/10/2016 Views: 553

President Obama's decision to shorten the sentences of 214 federal inmates doesn't sit well with paranoid conspiracy theorist Mike Yard. (3:44)

Welcome back.

President Obama recentlyshortened the sentences

of 214 federal inmates,

mostly non-violentdrug offenders

who are predominantlyAfrican-American.

It's part of his effort

to reduce America'sprison population,

reform sentencing laws,

and-- I don't know--maybe scare a few white people.

(laughing):I have no idea.

But our conspiracy expert,Mike Yard, thinks

there's more to thisthan meets the eye,

which meansit's time for The Y Files.

-♪ -(cheers and applause)

So, so, Mike, aren't you happythat those inmates,

most of whom are black men,can finally get out of jail?

(imitates alarm blaring)

Time to wake up,Unawarey Wilmore!

Okay, freedom ain't free,my brother.

The president's not doing thisfor justice.

Obama is freeingthe prisoners...

to make his own suicide squad!

-(laughter)-Drink it in, my brother.

Chug-a-lug.

Why the hell does the presidentneed a suicide squad?

That is his wayto get a third term, Larry!

(laughter)

I'm waiting...for you to go, "Pfff!"

Mike, President Obama is goingto create a suicide squad

to get a third term.

How does that make sense?

Larry, how else do youexplain... Donald Trump?

(laughter)

That does not explainDonald Trump.

There are thousands of ways

to explain Donald Trump,but that is not...

Okay, Mike, okay, Mike,how are you going

to put all this together?Please tell me.

You know what?You win the gold medal

-in the Schmolympics,my brother, okay? -(laughter)

The president has busted his assfor eight years.

He's not ready to go.

Okay, so he runs Donald Trumpas a Manchurian candidate,

a bogus optionto distract the masses.

-Huh.-You see what's happening.

Then, he releasesthe black convicts--

his suicide squad--on one condition--

they steal the constitution,and edit it,

so that Obama can havea third term,

put it back, he runs again.

People are like,"You can't do that!

That's unconstitutional!"

He goes, "Uh, have you readthe constitution lately?"

(laughter)

"Because now it says,yes, I can!"

-Boom!-(laughter)

-(cheers and applause)-No.

Are you seeing it?

Mike, that is absolutely nuts.

Oh, my God.

Look, I can't stand Trump,but there's no way in hell

that Barack Obama is creatingthis level of national chaos

so he can edit the constitutionto stay in office!

Oh, okay, okay, I see how it is.

You meet the president one time,call him your nigga...

-Wait. No. No. -...soyou're an expert now. Okay.

-(laughter)-Mike, no, no, no. -Okay.

Please don't bring that up,Mike. No, no, no.

No, no, no. I'm saying

your theory makes absolutelyno sense,

but I knowyou're going to try anyway.

You know what? Pull the barall the way down, my brother,

-'cause you're in for the rideof your life. -Okay, fine.

-Go ahead.-Shortening prison sentences.

Sentences, nouns and verbs.

Verbs are action words.Action comics.

Suicide squad.Criminals with nothing to lose.

D.C. Comics. D.C.

Obama, who killed bin Laden.

Plunged into the sea.Nestea plunge.

Iced tea. Ice T. Law and Order.

Who's the law-and-ordercandidate?

Donald J. Trump.

(laughter, applauseand cheering)

No. No way.

-The anti-Reagan.-No. No.

The anti-Reagan.

Who's Reagan's chief of staff.my brother?

James Baker, the Third.

Third-term president. What?

What? -(laughter)

Mike, I don't even knowwhat to say about all that.

-I mean.. -I know, right?It's pretty airtight, isn't it?

-No, it is not.It is not airtight. -(laughter)

-But you know what, Larry?-What?

This is all just a smokescreen

for what I really wantto talk about, man.

-What is that? -That isthat Pharrell Williams...

is an immortal vampire.

(laughter)

WILMORE:Okay, now that

-I actually believe.-Uh-huh.

-Mike Yard, everybody!-Brother never gets old.

We'll be right back. That...

-(cheers and applause)-Yeah.