Robert Kelly - No Romance

  • Season 12, Ep 22
  • 04/03/2008
  • Views: 6,479

Bugs fly in your ass when you have sex outside. (1:56)

I GO TO THERAPY NOW, TOO.

- Audience Member: WOO!- Robert: YEAH, FANTASTIC.

I GO TO THERAPY.HE-- HE'S SUCH AN ASS.

HE REALLY IS.I TOLD HIM I HAD PROBLEMS,

YOU KNOW,KEEPING IT UP DURING SEX.

AND HIS ADVICE WAS TOLOOK MY GIRL RIGHT IN THE EYESWHILE WE'RE HAVING SEX.

THAT'S GREAT. HOW AM I GONNATHINK OF OTHER CHICKS,

IF I'M STARING RIGHT AT HER?LADIES, DON'T GET MAD AT ME,

YOU THINK SHE'STHINKING OF THIS WHILEWE'RE HAVING SEX?

WE'RE BOTH HAVING SEX,LIKE WE'RE HELEN KELLER,

"ARE YOU DONE,""I'M ALMOST DONE."

"ALL RIGHT. LET ME KNOW 'CAUSEI DON'T WANNA LOOK AT YOU."

THERE IS-- THERE'SREALLY NO ROMANCE, YOU KNOW.

SHE WATCHES TV.SHE WATCHES MOVIES.

SHE WANTS TO RECREATE THATIN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

AND WHEN WE CAN'T DO IT 'CAUSEIT DOESN'T EXIST, SHE BLAMES ME.

SHE SEES A HAMMOCKIN THE DISTANCE IN ARUBA.

"LETS GO MAKE LOVEIN THE HAMMOCK." REALLY?

"TRY HAVING SEX IN A HAMMOCK.YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?

"YOU FALL OUT.THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

IT IS. IT'S FUNNY,LIKE FOUR TIMES

UNTIL SOMETHING GETS CAUGHTIN THE HAMMOCK.

YOU KNOW, OH, MY GOD. HONEY,I'M CAUGHT IN THE HAMMOCK!

IT'S IN THE HAMMOCK!IT'S IN THE HAMMOCK!

STOP LAUGHING AND GET IT OUT!DON'T CALL ANYBODY!

DON'T-- YOU GET IT OUT!JUST GET IT OUT YOURSELF!

HAVE SEX OUTSIDE.BUGS FLY IN YOUR ASS.THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.

THEY DO. THEY FLY INAND BITE YOUR ASS,

AND THEN YOUR ASSLOOKS LIKE A UFC FIGHTER'SEARLOBE THE NEXT DAY.

IS THAT ROMANTIC?

THERE'S NOTHINGROMANTIC ABOUT IT.

FIRST OF ALL, I CAN'T EVENGET ON TOP ANYMORE.

I'M TOO HEAVY. I AM.I'M TOO HEAVY TO GET ON TOP.

AND IT MESSESWITH MY SELF-ESTEEM.

EVERY TIME I GET ON TOP,THIS IS WHAT I HEAR,

"WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

[Gasping, Panting] "NO, NO,NO, NO, BABY, IT WASN'T YOU.

"I THINK THERE WAS A HAIRBRUSHUNDER MY BACK.

"OKAY, TRY IT--WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, IT'S YOU.

"IT'S YOU. IT'S YOU.GET OFF, YOU FAT BASTARD.

PLEASE GET OFF ME FOR THE"LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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