Judy Gold - The Brady Bunch

Dana Gould & Judy Gold Season 1, Ep 0123 02/24/1992 Views: 3,232

Mike Brady was the perfect dad. (2:50)

PERFECT FAMILYIN THE WHOLE WORLD.

DO YOU REMEMBERWHAT THE FATHER DID?

ARCHITECT-- HE WAS BRILLIANT.

SIX KIDS, TWO BEDROOMS-- THATWAS REALLY INTELLIGENT, HUH?

OH, YEAH, HE WASA BRILLIANT ARCHITECT.

BUT THEY WERETHE PERFECT FAMILY.

THIS SCREWED UP MY HEAD.

MIKE WAS ALWAYS THEREFOR THE KIDS.

I CALL MY FATHER WITH A PROBLEM,HE TURNS INTO ED McMAHON.

I'LL BE LIKE, "DAD, I'M REALLYUPSET, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO."

( as McMahon: )"HEEEERE'S MOMMY!"

WITHOUT LISTENING TO ME AT ALL.

PLUS, HE MISPRONOUNCES THINGS.

HE NEVER LISTENS TO PEOPLE,SO HE ALWAYS SAYS STUPID THINGS.

I WENT HOME FOR HANUKKAH.

WE'RE ALL SITTINGEATING DAIRY PRODUCTS

AND PHLEGMING UP TOGETHER,RIGHT?

JEWS GO ( hawks phlegm )ALL THE TIME.

IT'S FROM THE CREAM CHEESE.

NOW, I KNOW IT'S A BIG SHOCKI'M JEWISH.

JEWISH COMEDIANS-- THAT'S ABIG BREAKTHROUGH FOR OUR PEOPLE.

I FEEL LIKE A PIONEER RIGHT NOW.

DO WE HAVE ANY JEWS HERE?

CAN'T YOU TELL ANOTHER JEWWHEN YOU SEE ONE?

JEWS CAN TELL OTHER JEWS.

IT'S A THING THAT WE HAVETHAT WE CAN'T EXPLAIN.

IT'S JUST LIKE BLACK PEOPLE.

BLACK PEOPLE CAN PICK OTHERBLACK PEOPLE OUT OF CROWDS.

THE VON TRAPP FAMILY SINGERS!

OH, I GUESSTHEY'RE NOT SHOWING UP.

ALL RIGHT, ANYWAY...

( laughter )

I LOVE THE HOLIDAYS.

MY FAMILY DOES ACTLIKE IDIOTS THOUGH.

MY FATHER MAKES THE STUPIDESTMISTAKES WHEN HE TALKS.

MY FATHER SAYS,"I LOVE THAT MOVIE

WE JUST RENTED-- SUNSTROKE."

MOONSTRUCK.

THEN HE CALLS PERRIER WATER"PER-REE-ER," RIGHT

SO HE ASKS MEFOR A "CARAFEE OF PER-REE-ER."

I'M, LIKE, "DAD, DOYOU WANT 'CLOOB SODA'?"

THE GOOD THING ABOUTALZHEIMER'S DISEASE IS

YOU MEET NEW PEOPLE EVERY DAYAND THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

WE NEVER HUG EITHER.

MY FATHER HUGGED ME ONCE.

IT WAS MY HIGH SCHOOLGRADUATION PARTY.

WHILE I WAS CHOKINGON A COCKTAIL FRANK

BUT THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.

THE FAMILY VON TRAPP!

( laughter )

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ON THE LIST.

I DON'T KNOWWHY THEY'RE NOT SHOWING UP.

ACTUALLY, I HAVE TO TELL YOUWHY I'M A LITTLE SCREWED UP.

MY MOTHER WASVERY OVERPROTECTIVE

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

SHE WOULDN'T LET USGET A COLOR TELEVISION

BECAUSE IT GAVE OFF RADIATION.

WE HAD TO BEG HER TO GETA COLOR TV, FINALLY SHE GAVE IN

THANK GOD THEY INVENTEDTHE REMOTE CONTROL.

WE HAD NEVER CHANGEDTHE CHANNEL.

WE COULDN'T GET OFF THE COUCHWITH THOSE LEAD APRONS ON.

THE NUTTIEST ONE IN THE FAMILY,THOUGH, IS MY AUNT SELMA.

HER HUSBAND DIED 30 YEARS AGO,SHE CANNOT GET OVER IT.

SHE TURNS EVERYTHINGHE OWNED INTO SOMETHING.

A FEW WEEKS AGO SHE SAYS

"SO, WHAT DO YOU THINKOF THIS NECKLACE?"

I'M, LIKE, "IT'S NICE."

"DAVE'S OLD BELT BUCKLE."

( laughter )

THEN SHE GOES,"WHAT DO YOU THINK

OF THESE LITTLE ROUNDBALL EARRINGS?"

"I DON'T EVEN WANTTO KNOW, OKAY?"