I became the most sophisticated masturbator
on the planet.
I did--I jerked off to Rubens, Seurat, Botticelli.
I painted the Louvre daily in semen.
[dark electronic music]
[dark electronic music]
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Ladies and gentlemen, very, very funny man.
He's got his own podcast you got to check out.
Please give it up for Mr. Pete Johansson, everybody!
Let him hear it!
- I'm gonna do a little story,kind of about my family and love
and stuff like that--all thosesweet ideas right there.
I don't think I could havetold this story before,
like, had he asked me to do thisin my 20s,
'cause the only person I lovedwas myself back in my 20s.
I really did. I really did.
I actually--the only thingthat made me cry
in my twenties was thinking ofmyself dying.
I, um--I discovered thatin acting class.
I was serious.I would think of myself dying
and I'd think about myselfdeparting the earth
and think how sad it was foreverybody else, and I'd cry.
And, um...I know! [laughs]
That's twisted, right?
But I grew up, so now thatI'm in my 40s, something--
And now that I'm older,I can, uh,
talk a little bit more honestlyabout stuff like this.
So--I don't have a table.
But I was--
I've recently gone throughquite an experience with my mom,
and this story's gonna dealwith a lot with my mom,
and she's an amazing woman.
She's the coolest.She's the coolest.
Say anything bad about my mom,
I'll kill you.I will.
I love my mom. Yeah.Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, raised me as a--she was an artist and a nurse.
Mainly an artist.
From a very young age,she exposed me to art,
trying to get me to understandthe finer things in life
and be really sophisticated,understanding--
sort of value the beauty inthe world and stuff like that.
From like five or six,she'd have me up in her studio
in her room and uh,
just watching her paintand stuff like that.
And first nudes I ever saw.First nudes I ever saw,
uh, were my mom's paintings,which is kind of cool.
Like, and, uh...
Not really good nudes.
I mean, this is rural Canada.
Not a lot of great people posedfor art.
Uh, you didn't have the sexiestpeople you've ever seen
in my mom's art shows,but they came in handy
when I startedgoing through puberty.
And um--I know. Isn't that gross?
And I'm not even making that up.
The first thingI ever masturbated to
were sketches my mom's made.
That lasted until I foundher art books,
and then--oh, her art bookswere amazing.
I became the most sophisticatedmasturbator on the planet.
I did--I jerked off to Rubens,Seurat, Botticelli,
uh, Gustav Klimt.
I--I painted the Louvre dailyin semen.
And all my mom saw was mewalking up to my room
with art books."Oh, my little boy loves art.
Look at him."
I loved art back then.I did.
Then a weird thing happened;we moved.
I was raised in a very...religious family
and my dad lostall of our money.
Not through bad business,but because he became religious.
He became a Lay Franciscan monkand without telling my mom
or anybody else in the family,
he donated all our moneyto charity,
and we went broke.[laughs]
And we had to move.
And so we moved.
And I quickly put my stuffin boxes,
and I had acquireda little porn by that point.
And, uh, I remember writing ona box "do not look inside.
This is mine."And I put it in the truck,
assumingnobody would look inside.
Uh, I was a naive child.I really was.
So, uh, I didn't think muchabout it.
When we got to the new place,the box was missing.
About a month later,before school one morning,
about 6:00 a.m.,my mom walks into the room.
Door opens.Light flips on.
I was like, "What's going on?"
Mom drags a chair behind her.
Under her arm is that box.
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
And she sits downnext to me in the bed,
and she goes, "Pete,I'm a little concerned.
"I know how much you love art,
"but I found these magazinesand I--
"I think the best thing to dois for me to sit here
and go through them with you."
The very top magazine wasa "Hustler," I'll never forget.
It was the first oneI ever bought.
And it had this blonde-hairedChinese girl on it--
I don't remember her name,but oh.
And my mom picks up the magazine
and she flips itto the first pictorial
and there's a pictureof this naked girl,
and then she goes, "Well, look--look at her.
"She's a beautiful woman.There's nothing wrong with that.
She takes good care of herself."
And thenshe flips the page over.
"And look, that's a nice photo.It's very artistically posed.
"She's--leans over, that lightcatches her very nicely.
That's all right."
And thenshe flips the page over.
And the next page...is just two full pages
of just a close-upof her vagina.
Just this massive pussyjust staring out.
And my mom's just...
Just that delicate little "oh"just crushed me right there.
She's like, "Is that how weshould look at women?
"Is that what women are,just--just a vagina?
"Just a part?Just an object?
"Is that--is that her?
"Is that all we shouldlook at them as?
"Just a utilized devicefor your own gratification,
is that what a woman is?Is it?"
I go, "No, Mom, I don't evenlook at that page.
I skip right over that one."
She flips the page
and she goes throughthe entire magazine like this.
And I love my mom, but, boy,
she knew how tofuck up a kid's puberty.
And I thought it messed me up.I-I really did.
For the longest time, I thoughtthis might have turned me
into a weirdo, but actually kindof made me into a good person.
That's kind of the amazing thingabout my mom.
She had a roundabout wayof making me better, you know?
My mom got cancerquite shortly after that.
It wasn't like--it was--it wasa weird type of cancer.
I don't know ifanybody's experienced this,
but it's a kind of cancer whereit doesn't seem to kill her.
She got diagnosed with cancerand she had it for 25 years.
Twenty-five years of cancer.
That's the Canadianmedical system, people.
Fight for it.
But after a while of herbeing sick with cancer,
I didn't pay attention to it.I didn't focus on it.
I just took it for grantedthat she was sick.
And then about fouror five years ago,
I was in Switzerland, doing gigsand doing shows,
and I got a phone call.I was in Lucerne.
I remember, 'causemy sister's voice on the phone--
you know when you pick up thephone, there's always--
you know there's something bad,you know?
I heard this crackingin her voice,
and she goes, "Pete,you gotta get home."
I go, "What's wrong?"
And she goes, "Well, it's Mom.
She's not--you gotta get home."
I go, well, my gig's finishedin three days
and I'll catch a flight home.
She goes "No no.You gotta get hom now."
And you tell when you hearthat in your voice,
like, this isn't--this--I don'tgot time to fuck around.
I gotta go now.And I've never done this before.
I grabbed my stuff,I told the promoter
I was leaving,I got in a taxi cab.
I had a little app on my phonefor plane tickets,
and I bought a plane ticket,
on the app on the wayto the airport.
It cost me fortune.
But I did it 'cause I neededto get home
to see my mom, you know?
And I got to the airport
and the flight was leavingin about an hour.
I had a carry-on bag.I go up to the counter.
And I go, hey, I bought a ticketon the way here.
Here's my passport, here's this.Gotta get on the flight.
And the lady's, "Okay, okay.
Do you have a printoutof the ticket?"
And I go, no, no,I did it on your app.
Got no printout in the taxion the way here.
And she goes, "Well, I can'tlet you on the plane
if you don't have a printoutof the ticket.
And I go, that's crazy,it's crazy, I have an app.
I can't print out anything.Could you print it out for me?
She goes,"I can't print it out;
you need a printoutor you can't get on the plane."
I go, well,that's fucking crazy.
And she goes--and she goes--"If you swear,
"I will have todeny you boarding.
You won't be getting onany planes today."
And I'm like, what?Wh--my mom--
And I explained to her my mom's,you know, she's really sick.
I gotta get home.This is fucking nuts.
And she goes, "You swore again!If you do this again,
you're gone,"and I didn't know what to do.
And I was panicking.And I did the craziest thing.
And I don't knowif you've ever encountered
this sort ofdehumanizing bureaucracy
when people try to put youin a place
and limit your expression
because they'rejust following rules
and not treating youlike a human.
Like a little object.But I just, [growls].
I growled at her.
I-I-I--it just--it came from my soul.
And people started lookingat the airport,
like, "What's going on?"
And I didn't knowwhat else to do,
because I couldn't swearbut I had all this--
[snarls]And the manager walked over.
He goes, "What's going on here?"
And I just--tears are comingdown my face at this point,
and I go, listen, my mom'sdying, and I gotta get home,
and she won't let me geton the plane.
And the guy goes, "Don't worry.
I'll get you on the plane.I'll take care of this."
And I growled my way ontothe fucking plane.
I miraculously got home in time.
I saw her.She was still lucid.
She was in a great deal of pain,
but I got to talk to my mom
before, uh, you know,before she passed.
But she was in a lot of painand my dad showed up,
the joyous, loving manthat he is.
My dad's incredibly religiousin a crazy way.
He believesall these crazy things,
and one of the things he didwhile my mom was suffering
was he went to the doctors
and told them notto give her painkillers.
I don't know if there'sany Catholics in here,
but there's something calledPurgatory in Catholicism.
And one of the thingsthey do is that,
if you suffer a lot of pain,you can offer that pain up
to some poor souls in Purgatorythat will
advance your admissioninto Heaven.
Crazy idea,but my mom was in pain,
and he was withholdingpainkillers,
and I was like,no, you can't do that.
And we got in this huge fight,but the doctor came in,
and goes, "Well, he isher husband.
He gets to decide what kind ofpain management she gets."
So I can't give her painkillers.
This is insane, you know?
So I got my brotherto trick him outside,
and I went to a nurse and this--I fucking love nurses.
And I explained it to her.
It's like, my mom'sin a lot of pain.
She used to be a nurse.
She goes, "I'll take care of it.
Your dad's an asshole."
Yeah, nurses!Ugh, I love 'em.
But my mom, she--that was the moment, you know?
And they give her a little bitof a thing,
and called meher little fuzzy bear
and she went into a coma.
And that was it; that was thelast time I ever talked to her.
She stayed in that coma fora couple of days, though.
She didn't come out of it,and I was like...
I couldn't--I wanted to stickaround, but I couldn't,
'cause I have a familyI have to support.
I gotta keep doing showsand it's, as much as it sucks,
I flew away, and I landed and Ihad to go on stage next night.
I got a phone calljust before going on stage
that she passed away.
It was like 30 minutesbefore going onstage.
You know, I was just--I was dying.
I was dying,but I went onstage.
I got in front of peoplelike you,
and I just got up thereand I...
And people acted like, that'shorrible that you went onstage,
told jokes the nightyour mom died.
No, it was fuckin' an oasis.
It was the best thingI ever experienced,
'cause it was everything thatshe put in me to become this,
to do comedy, to be in frontof people.
It invigorated me.
And I just--and I loved it.I loved it.
Now, in quick epilogue,about two years ago,
I was back home in my hometown.
And I got a phone callfrom my sister again.
Oh, she's always bringinggood news.
And she calls and she goes, uh,
"Listen, it lookslike Dad's dying,"
and I go, oh,huh, that's too bad.
And she goes, "Well, there'snobody there with him.
"He's all alone and you're onlya couple hours away.
And it's up to you."
I remember staying up that nightand just going agh, ugh,
and I ended up waking up atfive in the morning,
and I drove and I drove and wentand saw him in the hospital.
And there he was,this bitter...
Just bitter, frail, thin man,lying in the bed.
None of the awful stuff he didreally--
didn't look like he was capableof it anymore,
just lying there, emaciated,just...and the thing...
And I had all these thingsI wanted to tell him, you know?
All this--how his religionfucked up my life
and all this stuffI wanted to say.
I wanted to whisper in his earand tell him he didn't deserve
the nothingness he wasabout to encounter.
Yeah, it's a fucked up thought,isn't it,
for a religious person?
But I didn't.I didn't.
I saw him, 'cause I was raisedby my mom, not him.
And I just held his handand I watched him.
And the weirdest thingfucking happened.
Nurse came in.My dad was in a lot of pain.
And asked "What do you want?Do you want--
Do you want us to give himsome pain medication?"
And I was like...[chuckles]
You gotta be kidding me.No! I want you to wake him up.
I want him to feelevery fucking bit of this,
is what I thought to myself.
But I didn't.
I told them to give himthe pain medication.
Because there was a weird lessonin my mom showing me that porn.
There was! There's thisweird little lesson
in my mom showing me this pornwhere she told me
not to look atthese little objects,
to look at just a vaginaand think that was a woman.
It's just like him; I can't seehim as just an asshole.
He's not.He's an entire person.
And in that last moment,I made the right decision,
and we...and he passed awaywithout pain.
And that's my happylittle story!
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