Andrew Santino - Skydiving in California

  • Season 1, Ep 1
  • 10/24/2013
  • Views: 1,016

Andrew Santino refuses to go skydiving because he does not want to prove his father right. (2:48)

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I'VE BEEN TRAVELING A LOT.

I'M FROM CHICAGO, ILLINOIS,ORIGINALLY.

[scattered cheers]YES.

PEOPLE THAT ALSO KNOWWHERE THAT IS,

THAT'S GOOD.

WHEN I FIRST MOVEDTO CALIFORNIA,

MY PARENTS WERE NOT SO EXCITEDABOUT IT.

MORE SPECIFICALLY,MY OLD MAN.

HE DOESN'T LIKE CALIFORNIA.

HE'S NEVER--HE'S NEVER LEFT CHICAGO.

HE'S A BLUE-COLLAR GUY,

UH, CONSTRUCTION,SOUTH SIDE OF CHICAGO,

SO WHEN I TOLD HIMI WAS COMING OUT,

HE WAS SUPER BUMMED.

I WAS LIKE,"I'M GONNA GO TO CALIFORNIA

AND ACT AND DO COMEDY,"

AND HE GOES, "AW, NO.

"THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA,ANDREW,

GOING OUT THERETO CALIFORNIA TOWN."

I WAS LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL,IT'S NOT A TOW--

IT'S NOT A TOWN."

"YEAH, BUT YOU KNOWWHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN OUT THERE

"IN CALIFORNIA.

"IT'S NOTHING BUT [bleep]OUT THERE.

"THAT'S ALL THERE ISIS KOOKY PEOPLE.

"WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

"YOU GONNA ROLLERBLADEAND GIVE BLOW JOBS FOR CASH?

IS THAT WHATYOU'RE GONNA DO?"

I GO,"YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

"NOT EVERYONEIN CALIFORNIA IS GAY.

YOU ARE STUPID."

I WAS LIVING FOR A MONTHWHEN I WAS HERE,

ONE MONTH, AND THIS GUY I KNEWFROM HIGH SCHOOL

MOVED OUT HERE,AND HE GOES, "YO.

LET ME SHOW YOU CALITHE RIGHT WAY, BRO."

AND I WAS LIKE,"YOU JUST SAID 'CALI,' MAN.

"GO AWAY.GO AWAY FROM ME.

"WHAT ARE YOU, A DJ AT NIGHT?GET OUT OF MY FACE.

YOU MAKE ME SICK."

HE GOES, "I WANNA SHOW YOU CALIFROM THE SKY, BRO.

"I OWN A SKYDIVING BIZ,

AND I WANT YOUTO COME WITH ME SKYDIVING."

SO I SAID, "SKYDIVING?I DON'T KNOW, MAN."

HE GOES, "IT'S FREE, BRO.FREE. FREE."

SO I SAID WHAT ANY RED-BLOODEDAMERICAN MALE WOULD SAY.

FREE? YOU KNOW.

audience: YES!

- NO, NO. NOPE.

NAH, SOME WHITE PEOPLE SHIT.

I'M NOT JUMPINGOUT OF AN AIRPLANE.

HE GOES, "RELAX, DUDE.

THE FIRST TIME YOU GO,IT'S TANDEM."

TANDEM? OH, THAT--OH.

OKAY, YEAH, FOR SURE.

YOU GUYS KNOWWHAT TANDEM MEANS, RIGHT?

TANDEM, RIGHT, YEAH,THAT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE.

IT MEANSANOTHER ADULT MALE,

A FULL-GROWN ADULT

WHO EATS MEALSAND PAYS BILLS,

IS GONNA BE LOCKEDINTO MY WAIST,

PERMANENTLY LOCKEDINTO MY WAIST.

YOU HAVE LEAPOUT OF AN AIRPLANE

WITH ANOTHER ADULT MALE

AS HIS GENITALS RUBON THE LOW OF MY BACK.

JUST REMINDING ME,"HEY, MAN, WE'RE [bleep]ED!"

YEP, I KNOW, DUDE,

'CAUSE MY CHUTE'SGONNA FAIL.

THE SAFETY WILL FAIL.

THAT'S WHAT WILL HAPPENTO ME.

THE IRISH LUCKWILL RUN RIGHT OUT, OKAY?

I WILL SLAM INTO THE EARTH.

I WILL BEIN THE EARTH, DEAD.

DEAD.

THEN MY FATHER--REMEMBER THAT GUY?

WILL HAVE TO FLY 2,000 MILESACROSS THE COUNTRY

TO MY FUNERAL,

JUST TO BE RIGHTABOUT CALIFORNIA.

"YOU SEE THAT?90 FEET IN THE GROUND

"WITH SOME GUY'S [bleep]IN HIS ASS.

"WHAT DID I SAY?

GOES OUT THERE, BECOMES ONEOF THOSE FLYING [bleep]."

THAT WOULD BE MY FATHERON THE EVENING NEWS.

"WHAT HAPPENED?""I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

"HE MOVED TO CALIFORNIA,

"THE [bleep]SNATCHED HIM UP,

"AND THEY SEXED HIMIN THE SKY.

"THEY MADE HIM HAVE SEXIN THE SKY.

"THAT'S WHAT THEY DO NOW.

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