Lizz Winstead - Department of Homeland Security Website

  • Season 9, Ep 2
  • 10/07/2004
  • Views: 3,419

Here's where to find the real terrorists. (2:33)

THRILLED YOU'RE HERE.

ACTUALLY WE IN NEW YORK ARE

VERY SPECIAL BECAUSE WE HAVE

ORANGE PLUS ALERT.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

IT'S GREAT.

I GUESS IN THEIR COLOR SCHEME

THEY DIDN'T REALLY COME UP WITH

SOMETHING BETWEEN ORANGE AND

FIRE AND DEATH.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT WHAT I'M VERY EXCITED ABOUT

IS THAT MY HERO JOHN ASHCROFT...

[LAUGHTER]

HAS ASKED EVERYONE OF US TO BE

TERROR DEPUTIES.

YES, SO I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT

THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU.

FEEL SAFE?

[LAUGHTER]

IF YOU'RE NOT SURE WHO IS A

TERRORIST IN THIS COUNTRY,

THEY'VE REALLY HELPED US OUT

TO FIGURE IT OUT.

IF YOU GO TO THE WEBSITE OF

THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND

SECURITY, THEY'LL GIVE YOU

SOME HINTS.

THE FIRST THING YOU WANT TO

LOOK FOR ARE PREGNANT WOMEN.

[LAUGHTER]

YEAH, 'CAUSE THEY'RE PROBABLY

NOT PREGNANT.

THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST TERRORISTS

IN DISGUISE.

SO I SUGGEST YOUR DUTY AS A

CITIZEN IS TO WALK UP TO A

PREGNANT WOMAN, PUNCH HER RIGHT

IN THE GUT JUST TO MAKE SURE

THERE'S NOT A BOMB UNDER HER

JUMPER.

IT'S YOUR DUTY.

YOU'RE DEPUTIES.

[LAUGHTER]

SECOND THING THEY TELL YOU TO

LOOK FOR IS PEOPLE

IMPERSONATING FIREMEN AND

POLICE OFFICERS.

[LAUGHTER]

NOW IF YOU SEE SOMEONE DRESSED

UP AS A POLICEMAN OR A FIREMAN

IMMEDIATELY REPORT IT TO

SOMEONE ELSE DRESSED UP LIKE A

POLICEMAN OR FIREMAN.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER YOU'RE DEPUTIES.

BUT THE BIGGEST WARNING THEY

HAVE OF ALL IS THEY WANT YOU

TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR SWEATY

GUYS WHO SMELL LIKE CHEMICALS

WITH WIRES HANGING OUT OF THEIR

COATS AND THEY'RE WEARING

WINTER COATS IN THE SUMMER.

NOW, I LIVE IN NEW YORK...

[CHEERS AND HUGE APPLAUSE]

IF THAT IS INDEED WHAT A

TERRORIST LOOKS LIKE, THERE'S

ONE PEEING IN EVERY DOORWAY ON

EVERY CORNER IN EVERY BOROUGH

IN THE CITY OF MANHATTAN.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

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