Solomon Georgio - Mom Versus Bully - Uncensored

Karma 04/12/2016 Views: 3,469

Solomon Georgio hatched a very stupid plot to get revenge on his bully when he was a kid -- and when it backfired, an unlikely ally defended him. (14:18)

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- At which point,

she pulls a butcher knife

from the back of her skirt,

slices its throat open.

Blood gushes everywhere!

She gets up slowly,covered in blood,

looks off to the distanceat her three youngest boys

and goes, "Who's hungry?"

[laughter]

[dark electronic music]

[whack-whack-whack]

[cheers and applause]

- Welcome to"This is not Happening."

I'm your host Ari Shaffir,

and today, all the storiesare about karma.

[audience whooping]

Please give it up for Mr. Solomon Georgio, you guys.

[applause]

- I'm an African immigrant.

That's why I look likea mannequin that came to life.

[laughter]

And I, uh, I actuallymoved to America in 1985.

My family--we first movedto St. Louis, Missouri,

because we all wanted to beintroduced to racism

at the same time.

And we'll try it outfor a couple of years.

We're like,"We'd better move," uh...

And, uh, what we decided to do

was move to Fresno, California.

Uh, yeah.

If you're not familiarwith Fresno,

every part of Africa is betterthan Fresno, California.

[applause]

Without a doubt.It's a terrible city.

And I havetwo younger brothers,

and I love them,'cause we shared everything.

And we even sharedthe same neighborhood bully.

Kevin.Ohh...

That's a terriblebully name, too.

It's not his real name,but I'm still afraid.

That's why I'm notgonna say it.

Not while cameras are on.Um...

But Kevin, uh, at age ten,

weighed 180 pounds...

which is the combined weight

of three Africa children,by the way.

He was about 5'9.He was a giant to a kid.

And he was actually our friendto begin with,

but he was that reallyaggressive kid

that hit youeven though he liked you.

You knowthat terrible fucking kid?

He can't help it.

And we had to endthe friendship,

because one time we playedbaseball with him,

and after he hit the ball,he threw the bat,

but it landedon my brother's face, um...

and his response, instead ofcaring about a wounded child,

was to run the basesand laugh maniacally,

which is what a demon does,so...

We're like, "We can't befriends with Kevin anymore!"

And that was nota good idea either,

'cause being his enemywas worse

'cause he beat us upall the time.

And I was in his grade,so he followed me around.

It was the worst.I was terrified of him.

He called us nameswhich weren't very good.

He'd call us stuff likeAfrican booty scratcher.

It's not an insult.It's true, um...

I am African,

and when my butt itches,I scratch it.

What's wrong with you?Like, what are you doing?

Scratch your itchy butt,Kevin.

What he started to do was hestarted to steal our toys.

And I was very afraidto tell my mother

because my motheris like 75% Grace Jones

and 25% Oprah Winfrey,you know?

Like, she can kill you...

but she'll make all of yourdreams come true first.

I love my mother,but I don't think she likes me.

And it's fine.That's our relationship.

And it took me a whileto confess to her

what was going on.

Eventually I came up to her,I was like, "Mom,

Mom, Mom...Keyon--"

Sorry. I said his name.

"Kevin..."

[laughter]

[applause]

I'm not saying it again!

"Kevin is stealing our toys.

Can you do somethingabout it?"

And my mother respondedwith two words,

and she repeated them:

[with accent] "One day.One...day."

Listen, lady,I have no time to solve

your cryptic African puzzles.

I am down to a Pet Rockand a Slinky, okay?

And you knowthat's a regular-ass rock

and a bedspring,so we got...

we gotta work on this!

So I was like, "All right.I'll take care of this myself."

So I formulated a plan--plan A.

It's very simple.

It was based off ofa movie I saw

where a, uh...

a nerdy kidwent up to his bully

and he challenged himto a trivia competition.

[laughter]

And they becamebest friends afterwards.

So the next day,I went to school,

I went up to Kevinand I said,

"I challenge youto a math competition."

And what Keyon did was takethe back of his hand

and swiftly apply it to my cheekas hard as possible...

which is known asa bitch slap.

Which is what you do whensomebody says something bitchy

like, "I challenge youto a math competition."

So we had to go onto plan B.

I brought in my little brothers.

Plan B was straightforwardas well.

Keyon--uh, Kevin...

[laughs] This is a fun game.I'm gonna say his real name.

Please don't live near here.Um...

He...[laughs]

like most shitty kids,he played football after school.

Uh...[laughter]

He was also a latchkey kidas well.

His mom was a nurse.She worked at night.

Since he livedin our neighborhood

only three houses down,

we had an hour of timewhere no one was at his house.

And that's when we were like,all right.

We put on our spy gear,'cause we're on a mission now--

which is justall black clothing--

and then we, uh,since we were spies,

we just kinda like begansneaking down the street

in broad daylight.

You know,'cause we were cool.

And we snuck down the street,

and then we got to his house,

and I gave my brothera boost over the fence,

which is my favorite thingin the world to do.

If you ever need a boost,I'm here for you.

And I gave my other brothera boost, I'm feeling good.

They both flipped meover the fence.

We're in Keyon's backyard now.

And we look around,

and we see, in the cornerof his backyard,

all of our toys just collectingdust in a corner,

and we are psyched!

So we just--so happy to see them again.

And we run up to them and thenwe start picking them up,

and that's when we realizethat all of our toys are broken.

Just destroyed.

All the action figuresjust dismantled,

every ball ripped apart.

Have you ever seenthree African children

in front of a giant pileof broken toys?

[laughter]

There's nothing sadder.

The Sarah McLachlan songstarts playing automatically...

And...[laughs]like, we're feeling down,

and that's whenmy youngest brother

nudges my elbow,and he points to the right.

And I look over,and it's Keyon's window,

and it's wide open.

And that's when plan Ccomes into effect:

get into Keyon's room.

We went up to the window.I give my brothers a boost.

Feeling good again.

And we hop into Keyon's room.

And Keyon,when we got in there--

he's an only child--

his mom bought himevery toy imaginable.

And we were gonna stealevery toy imaginable.

We were so excited.He had Ninja Turtles,

he had--"Batman: The AnimatedSeries" just started,

so that was even moreexciting.

He had a whole Batmobilesituation.

He had the Power RangersMegazord

that can dismantleinto the five Zords,

which you know is notan only child toy.

That is a multi-childfamily toy!

And we, oh, yeah,we were so--

like we were just takingthe stuff back,

like as much of it as possible.

And we're runningback and forth to the house,

and then we realize that Keyonhas a Sega Genesis, you guys.

I'm from a Nintendo family.

I don't give a fuckabout a Genesis.

[laughter]

But I want revenge, you know?

I want sweet revenge.

And that's when we decideto start taking all the games,

including, unopened,on the bed,

never-played-before,the "Aladdin" video game.

"GamePro Magazine"Game of the Year, 1992,

if you're not familiar.

Important game for everyoneat that time.

Never played, unopened.We grabbed that game.

We take all the other games.

We take the controllers.We take the adaptor.

We take every connection.He had three GameGenies.

You only need one,so we took those too.

And we left, by itself, withnothing else surrounding it,

just the console...[laughs]

barren on his shelf

like a shitty pet rock.

And we got the hellout of his house,

and we ran home,and we had our new toys,

and we were happy.

And then about 20 minutes later,

comes stomping downthe street, of course.

It's him.He figured it out.

We're in danger.

He comes barging up the street,

and he just comesright up to our door

and just bangsreally loud on the door,

as loud as possible.

And we don't do anything.But my mom is home.

And she gets up,and she answers the door,

and she opens it,

and Keyon just immediatelystarts yelling at her,

"Your son stole my shit!Gimme my Goddamn toys back

right now!"

My mom remains calmand goes,

[with accent] "I do not knowwhat you are talking about.

My children do not steal.Go away."

And Keyon gets--does that thing

where he just sucks inall the air in the world

and gets really quiet

and just starts marching awayfrom our house.

And he gets about 50 feet away,

and he gets into thathut, hut, hike position--

I don't knowwhat it's called, you guys.

I'm not...not gonnapretend that I do.

We can assume right now

that he's about to bum-rushmy mother.

Quick side storyabout my mother, you guys.

Two years prior to this day,we are visiting Ethiopia.

And me and mytwo younger brothers

are sitting underthe only tree in Africa,

as far as we can tell.

[laughter]

And we're just mindingour own business

just on our uncle's farm,doing nothing,

and that's when my mother walksup to her three youngest sons

and she goes,"Do you want to see something?"

We're like,"Yes, please! Anything."

And my mother thentakes her skirt,

ties it up in a knot,

and then she gets upand then just, uh,

runs down this field...

like the beautifulchocolate gazelle that she is,

full speed, sprinting,

just moving forward.

And in the distance,minding its own business,

doing nothing,is just an old cow.

And my mom is goingin that same exact direction.

And she's going top speed,

and she's getting closerand closer and closer

until she's onlya few feet away.

And that's when she ducks downand just knocks the cow over.

At which point,she pulls a butcher knife

from the back of her skirt,

lifts the cow's chin up,

slices its throat open.

Blood gushes everywhere!

And she just holds ituntil it's dead.

She gets up slowly,covered in blood,

looks off to the distanceat her three youngest boys

and goes, "Who's hungry?"

[laughter]

Now, Keyon...

is in the hut, hut, hikeposition...

and he's gonnabum-rush my mother.

What he doesn't know

is that he is notthe same size as a fat cow.

And he goes top speedat my mom

who doesn't evenmove a muscle.

She just has that same lookin her face

that I rememberfrom two years ago which is,

[with accent]"You're about to see something

Watch."

And Keyon gets closer,and he gets closer

until he's abouta few feet away,

at which point my motherlifts her knee up to her chin

and just drops him hardto the ground.

You can hear his headcrack on the concrete.

She firmly holds her footon his throat,

and in that same fell swoop,

she grabs the phone,dials 911 and goes,

[with accent]"Hello, police?

I have a very small problem."

[laughter, applause]

You guys...

Kevin/Keyon got arrested,uh...

and the entire timehe was being arrested,

me and my brothers are holding

an unopened"Aladdin" video game...

Up to the window.

My mom walks by the rooma few moments later

and goes, "I told you!

One...day!"

You guys have beenso wonderful.

Thank you so much.

[dark electronic music]