Kevin Nealon - Self Improvement

  • Season 2 , Ep 1
  • 05/28/1999
  • Views: 3,944

Kevin Nealon buys computers for dummies. (2:11)

I'M ON A SELF-IMPROVEMENT KICK.

I'M TRYING TO BETTER MYSELF.

I WENT TO THE BOOKSTOREAND ASKED THE SALESGIRL

IF SHE COULD DIRECT METO THE SELF-HELP SECTION.

SHE SAID, "I COULD, BUT WOULDN'TTHAT BE SELF-DEFEATING?"

SO I'M LOOKINGFOR THESE BOOKS FOR DUMMIES.

YOU KNOW,THEY GOT THEM FOR EVERYTHING.

LIKE GOLF FOR DUMMIES, COOKING FOR DUMMIES, YOU KNOW.

BY THE WAY, I'M BECOMINGA GOURMET COOK.

LEARNING HOW TO COOK WITH WINE.

ACTUALLY, WHAT I DO IS I GETDRUNK AND I MAKE SOME RICE

BUT STILL, YOU KNOW,IT SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU KNOW., "COME ON OVER.I'M COOKING WITH WINE."

YOU KNOW, THEY GET THERE,YOU'RE DRUNK.

THERE'S RICE EVERYWHERE.

"COME ON IN."

BUT I'M LOOKING FOR A BOOK--

COMPUTERS FOR DUMMIES--'CAUSE I GOT A COMPUTER.

EVERYBODY SAID YOU GOT TO GETONE, THEY'RE A LOT OF FUN.

SO I GOT ONE AND I CANNOT FIGUREOUT HOW TO WORK THIS THING.

THEY'RE SO COMPLICATED,AREN'T THEY?

I'M ACTUALLY HAVING MORE FUN

PLAYING IN THE BOX IT CAME INTHAN THE COMPUTER

AND THAT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOURTO FIGURE OUT.

GETTING IN THE BOX WAS EASY.

GETTING OUT WAS TOUGH.

YOU GOT TO ROCKA LITTLE BIT, YOU KNOW

AND THEN YOU ROLL OUT

BUT THEY HAVETHESE TECH SUPPORT PEOPLE

AND THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM--"HEY, I GOT A PROBLEM."

"OKAY, DOES IT SAY'NON-SYSTEM DISK ERROR 1065B'?"

"YEAH."

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE RIGHTIN THE ROOM WITH YOU, YOU KNOW?

"OKAY, CLICK ON THAT.

"NOW DOES IT SAY'ERROR PROBLEM 589'?"

"YEAH."

"ALL RIGHT,GO INTO YOUR BEDROOM.

"YOU SEE THOSE BLUE PANTSON YOUR BED?

PUT THOSE ON."

I LIVE EVERY DAY LIKEIT'S THE LAST DAY OF MY LIFE.

I WAKE UP REAL EARLY.

I SPEND MAYBE THREE HOURSON THE PHONE

MAKING FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS.

YOU KNOW, AND THEN I JUSTSIT BACK AND I WAIT.

IT'S TOUGH GETTING OLDER.

YOU START FALLING APART,YOU KNOW?

MY GUMS ARE STARTINGTO RECEDE NOW.

YOU CAN'T TELL TONIGHT, THOUGH,'CAUSE I COMB THEM FORWARD.

YOU KNOW, BUT STILL...

I REMEMBER THE FIRST TIMESOMEBODY CALLED ME "SIR."

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED I WASSTARTING TO LOOK A LITTLE OLDER

BUT I STILL FELT LIKE A KID.

I WAS IN THE DEPARTMENT STOREAND THE SALESLADY CAME UP TO ME

AND SHE SAID,"SIR, PUT DOWN THAT MANNEQUIN.

IT'S NOT A TOY."

FOR A MINUTE,I FELT PRETTY GOOD, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN,YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ANYMORE.

EVERYTHING IS DANGEROUS.

NOW THEY'RE SAYING THAT SMOKINGMAY CAUSE COLON CANCER

BUT THAT'S ONLY IF YOU INHALEREALLY DEEPLY, THOUGH, YOU KNOW.

I'M TRYING TO BECOMEENVIRONMENTALLY CORRECT.

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