Anyway, let's move onand talk about some global news.
You know, it's been so chaotichere in America
dealing with Trump'sbull (bleep) that you forget
there's a whole world out there
also dealingwith Trump's bull (bleep).
-(laughter)-You can't escape the man.
And it's not like
the world doesn't have problemsof its own.
For instance, in Germany,they're worried
about Russians interferingwith their elections now,
but instead of focusing on that,
poor Angela Merkel hadto spend her precious time
explaining to Trump that hecouldn't refuse refugees in need
because of a thing calledthe "Geneva Convention."
Yeah, she had to explain thatto a president,
which is a waste of her time.
And that's German time,so you know it's extra precious.
-(laughter) -Yeah. No, it is.It's super precious.
Like, in terms of value,it goes Swiss time,
-German time, Hammer time.That's... that's it. -(laughter)
And Hammer timeis extremely valuable
-because there's not any left.-(audience groaning)
It's just one of those things.
But it's happeningall over the world.
In Britain,Prime Minister Theresa May
is struggling with Brexit,
but because of Trump,who wants to meet the queen,
she has to spend time schoolinghim on royal protocols,
teaching Trumpon how to meet the queen.
(with English accent):"Rule one, Donald--
it's not okayto grab the queen's pussy."
(laughter, groaning, applause)
Or as the queen calls it,"The Grey Corgi."
Now, now, as irritatingas those Trump problems may be,
at least they're side issues.
For some countries,Trump is problem numero uno.
NEWSMAN: Fighting with friends.
President Trump escalatinghis fight with Mexico...
President Trump threatenedto use U.S. military force
to halt Mexico's drug trade.
He reportedly said he's readyto send U.S. troops to stop
what he calls, quote,"bad hombres down there."
Look on the bright side--Trump's learning Spanish.
You know, this storyis why you have to appreciate
every now moment.
Remember a week ago?We were freaking out
because Trump was startinga trade war?
And now we're freaking outbecause he's starting a war war?
Now we're like, "Oh, man,I miss the old Trump."
-(laughter)-Although, although to be fair,
this is not, like,exactly an escalation,
uh, you know,this whole invasion.
Because, let's be honest,America already invades Mexico
-every spring break.-(laughter)
Yeah, and these people,by the way,
who go down to Mexico,they're bringing drugs,
they're bringing crime,they're rapists...
and some, I assume,are good people.
-I've heard. I assume.-(whooping, applause)
And-and-and don't get me wrong,don't get me wrong.
Of course,Trump and his administration
aren't just making new enemies,they're also rebooting old ones.
The White House is raisingthe stakes with Iran.
National Security AdvisorMichael Flynn
lashing out at the Iranians
for conducting a recent missile test.
President Trumphas severely criticized
the various agreements reachedbetween Iran
and the Obama administration.
Instead of being thankfulto the United States
in these agreements,Iran is now feeling emboldened.
As of today, we are officiallyputting Iran on notice.
Iran is officially on notice.
Do you know what that means?
-Actually, nobody knowswhat it means. -(laughter)
Yeah. But it's provocative.It gets the people going.
There's no such thingas "officially being on notice."
That's the oppositeof "official."
Like, you can't just say,"You're on notice."
Flynn sounds less like a general
and more likean Atlanta housewife. You know?
Iran caused a sceneat my dinner party,
so she officially on notice.
That's not a thing.
But let's-let's be honest,though.
None of this isreally a surprise.
If you were guessing who Trumpwould be heading to war with
two weeks into his presidency,
we would have probablypicked Mexico, uh,
and we probablywould have had Iran.
But who would you have hadas a third? Think about it.
No, no, try again, try again.
No, no, another country.Try again.
A-Anoth... Like, you wantto go way down on your list.
The president is also takinga hard line with Australia,
reportedly slammingthe prime minister
during a phone call...
NEWSMAN: ...a shouting match between him
and Australia's prime minister...
NEWSWOMAN: ...accusing him of trying to send the U.S.
the next Boston Bombers, referring to an agreement
to send 1,250 refugees here.
Mr. Trump hanging up after just 25 minutes...
Who picks a fightwith Koala Island?
It's one of America's closestand chillest allies, people.
Their catchphrase is literally,"No worries."
But Trump picked a fightwith them.
And an hour after the fight,he tweeted...
Can I just say...can I just say...
you have to besome kind of genius
to pack so much wronginto just 140 characters.
First of all, how do you knowit's a dumb deal
if you haven't studied it yet?
Like, maybe next timeyou want to study the deal
before you get on the phonewith a foreign leader
and (bleep) on him.
And also,they're not illegal immigrants.
They're refugees.They're refugees
that the U.S. madea legal agreement to accept.
In Trump's mind, everyone in theworld is an illegal immigrant.
Everyone. Yeah, theyjust haven't come over yet.
(like Trump): People in Africa,illegal immigrants.
People in Austra... everyone'san illegal immigrant!
So, the question is,how'd this all happen?
I talked to oneadministration official
who said, look at the contextof his schedule, of his day.
He talked to five world leaderson Saturday, last Saturday,
at the end of a long weekin the White House,
and they said simply,
by the time he got to theAustralian phone call,
he was a little fatigued.
So Trump damaged relations
with a key strategic ally
because he missed nap time?
That is the cutest,most terrifying excuse
I have ever heard.
And it makes sensebecause toddlers are tyrants
and now you understand Trump.
I mean, it all makes sense.
I thought Trump was supposedto be the high-energy candidate.
Stamina was his thing, remember?
That's what he said.
Yeah, you think Jeb Bushgets cranky on phone calls?
No, because no one calls him.
But my point stands.
When you've got Australiathinking that you're an asshole,
then maybe it's time for youto ask the question,
is Trump really goingto make America first,
or is he just goingto make America alone?
The signs aren't good,
especially if Trump's leakedAustralia phone call
is anything to go by.
(man imitating Turnbull):
(man imitating Trump):
(man imitating Turnbull):
(man imitating Trump):