which is a-- it's funny.
L.A. is a really liberal city,
but it's very hypocritical
in what it choosesto be liberal about.
Like, you can drive around L.A.,see a guy wearing lipstick
and high heels and a fur coat,masturbating into a mailbox.
People giving him a hard time:"Hey, is that real fur?!"
So, uh, contrary to whatyou probably think of me,
I'm actuallya responsible adult.
I'm married. I have kids.
We have two daughters.
Our girls are adopted.They're from China.
When we first told my mother
that we were adopting kidsfrom China,
it promptedthe insightful question,
"Are you goingto teach them English?"
And honestly, we got thatfrom more than one person.
They learn the languagethat they grew up around.
You know, the Chineseisn't loaded in like an iMac.
Uh, I mean, I make funof my family a lot,
but obviously,I'm just like them.
I'm a lot like my dad.
Like my father,I have two basic emotions:
rage and suppressed rage.
It's better now, though.
I'm married.I have my own family.
For a successful marriage--this is an interesting thing--
to stay married successfully,I had to learn how to fight.
Yeah, because I'm a verynon-confrontational person.
I do not like conflict.
My whole approachto marriage was simple.
My wife will do somethingthat drives me insane,
I won't say anything,
and then later,I'll die of cancer.
But you can't do that.
You've got to get in thereand mix it up, you know?
It's always the little things.
It's never a major dealthat blows the fight up.
Like, when my wife sends meto the store--
Let's just call it what it is.
"When I choose to goto the store...
"of my own volition...
with my wife's list..."
But my wife is very clever,
and on the listshe will often include
several items that don't exist.
Just to keep me out of the houseand looking
just that much longer.
I end up wanderingthe aisles going,
"Yeah, do you havemaple-flavored vodka pops?"
"Yeah, I'm trying to findSunny Harvest Li'l Cobra Bites."
And then you come home and youjust have that head of steam,
and thenit's whatever sets you off.
"Why did you buy cupcake mixand not buy cupcake tin liners?"
"Because I'm not a ... damncupcake expert, that's why.
"You know who you married.
"I buy my cupcakes made.
I don't make my own cupcakeslike some kind of animal."
And you'd thinkthat would be enough.
"Screw you." "Screw you."
The fight's over.We can go on with our lives.
See, that's the interestingthing about my wife and I.
The thing we have in common:we both have to win.
So two hours later
where most people have gone onwith their lives,
we're still down in the kitchenslugging it out,
throwing everything we haveat each other,
staggering on the ropeslike Stallone and Carl Weathers
at the end of Rocky II.
"Wait a minute.Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let me just... let me justget this right, okay."
"So you're saying that
"if you died and came backas a turtle,
"that I wouldn't feed you.
I-Is that what you're saying?"
"I would feed you lettuce..."
I would oil your shell."
"Get your motherto oil your shell."