Chris D'Elia - Hard Core

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 11/13/2012
  • Views: 27,394

Chris D'Elia does not look cool wearing cartoons on his shirt and won't mess with Mexican gangsters. (3:00)

HOW IS EVERYBODY?GOOD?

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I TRYTO WEAR THESE CLOTHES,

AND PEOPLE ALWAYSMAKE FUN.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"HEY, OH, NICE,NICE, UH, JACKET, UGH."

BLACK DUDES, THAT DOESN'THAPPEN TO BLACK DUDES.

BLACK DUDES CAN WEAR ANYTHINGAND GET AWAY WITH IT, RIGHT?

IF I SAW A BLACK DUDEWALKING DOWN THE STREET

IN FULL CAMOUFLAGE GEARSUCKING ON A PACIFIER

WITH, LIKE, FAKE WINGSON HIS BACK

WITH A COWBOY HAT AND A DILDOSTICKING OUT OF IT,

I WOULD NOT LOOKAT THAT DUDE AND BE LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL'S WRONGWITH THAT GUY?"

I WOULDN'T,I WOULD JUST BE LIKE,

"OH, APPARENTLY HE KNOWSSOMETHING I DON'T KNOW."

BLACK DUDECOULD WEAR ANYTHING, MAN.

THEY'RE THE ONLY RACEIN THE WHOLE WORLD

THAT COULD WEARCARTOONS ON THEIR SHIRT.

NOT ONLY IS THAT COOL,THAT'S GANGSTER, RIGHT?

IT'S TRUE--A BLACK DUDEWILL ROLL UP ON YOU, BE LIKE,

"YEAH, PLAYER.OOH-WHEE, PARTNER.

"OOH-WHEE, PLAYER.

"YEAH, PARTNER.HA HA HA.

"Y'ALL BETTER RECOGNIZE

"THAT'S DORA THE EXPLORER,PARTNER.

"YEAH, ACT LIKE THAT AIN'TCHARLIE BROWN, SON.

BUP, BUP, BUP, BLUE'S CLUES."

[cheers and applause]

"YEAH, HA HA HA HA."

YOU EVER SEEHARD-CORE GANGSTERS

IN THE HOOD, LIKE,ALL RIDING BICYCLES?

LIKE THAT'S HARD-CORE?

LIKE--LIKE BICYCLES.

LIKE, BICYCLES,LIKE THAT'S HARD.

THERE'S NOTHING HARDABOUT THAT AT ALL.

LET ME PROVE IT TO YOU.

IMAGINE A DUDE JUST,

"HEY, YO, PLAYER.

"WHAT'S UP, PARTNER?

"YEAH, PLAYER.

"WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL GOTA PROBLEM, HUH?

Y'ALL GOT A PROBLEM?YO, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."

[imitates bicycle bell]

[caws]

AND WHY IS THE MOSTHARD-CORE DUDE

ALWAYS SITTINGON THE HANDLE BARS?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

HE'S JUST LIKE,"DON'T MAKE ME GET OUT

THIS MOTHER[bleep]BASKET, DOG."

[caws]

YOU KNOW WHOYOU DON'T MESS WITH?

MEXICAN GANGSTERS.IT'S TRUE.

'CAUSE THEY'LL BEATTHE CRAP OUT OF YOU

AND ROB ARTICLES OF CLOTHINGOFF OF YOUR BODY THAT THEY WANT.

IT'S WEIRD BECAUSE IT'S MANLYTO BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA SOMEBODY,

BUT IT'S KIND OF HOMOSEXUALTO UNDRESS HIM AFTERWARDS,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, WHO WAS THE FIRST CHOLOTO THINK OF THAT?

JUST LIKE A CREW OF DUDES ROLLEDUP ON SOME DUDE JUST LIKE,

"HEY, BRO.WHAT'S UP, BRO?

"YEAH, COME HERE, BRO.

"HEY, COME HERE, BRO.

"WE JUST WANNA TALK, BRO.FOR SERIOUS, COME HERE.

"HEY, COME HERE.

"HE HAS NO IDEAWHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

"COME HERE.HEY, COME HERE, BRO.

"COME ON, LET'S TALK.

"WE JUST WANNA TALK, BRO,FOR TRUE.

"COME HERE, BRO.COME HERE.

"BAM, GET DOWN, BRO.COME ON, KICK HIS TEETH IN.

"COME ON,KNOCK HIS ASS OUT.

"COME ON,BLOODY HIM UP FOR TRUE.

"GET IN ON THIS.

"COME ON, FOR SERIOUS,KNOCK HIS ASS OUT.

COME ON,GET IN ON THIS."

AND AFTERWARDS SOME DUDEWHO'S JUST IN THE BACK

JUST LIKE,"TAKE HIS PANTS."

[laughter and applause]

HE'S PUTTING THEM ON,RUNNING AWAY.

"I GOT THEM, I GOT THEM, GO.

I GOT HIS PANTS, GO!"

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