John Heffron - Clutterblind

  • Season 8 , Ep 1
  • 01/29/2004
  • Views: 5,129

Clutterblindness affects 110% of all men. (2:58)

LOOK, LADIES, I'LL TELL YOU THIS

BECAUSE I'M NOT DATING ANY OF

YOU.

RIGHT?

SO I'LL TAKE THE BULLET FOR YOUR

FELLOW AND TELL YOU SOME THINGS

THAT HE'S BEEN WANTING TO TELL

YOU FOR SOME TIME.

AND YOU CAN LEAVE HERE MAD AT

ME.

YOU CAN BE SO MAD AT ME YOU CUT

ME OFF TONIGHT.

YOU'LL SHOW ME.

RIGHT?

HERE'S THE FIRST THING,

LADIES, YOUR GUY WROTE ON A

NAPKIN, AND HE TOLD ME TO TELL

YOU.

1. GUYS DON'T WANT TO TALK...

EVER.

[APPLAUSE]

WE USED THAT UP THE FIRST NIGHT

WE MET YA.

[LAUGHTER]

REMEMBER HOW CHATTY WE WERE?

"WHAT DO YOU DO?

THAT'S INTERESTING.

NO, THIS ISN'T BORING.

GO ON!

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

IT'S OVER.

HAND US THE REMOTE.

LET'S GO!

SECOND, LADIES--

OUR CLEANING SCHEDULE ISN'T

ALWAYS YOUR CLEANING SCHEDULE.

YOU GUYS IN HERE EVER THINK YOU

HAVE A WEEKEND FREE?

YOU'RE LIKE, COOL, I GOT NOTHING

TO DO THIS WEEKEND.

THEN-- WORD FROM THE HEAD OFFICE

GETS IN TOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING

SATURDAY.

I BOUGHT A CLOSET ORGANIZER.

YOU'RE GOING TO PUT THAT

TOGETHER.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WHY DON'T YOU MOVE THE

GARAGE FROM THE LEFT SIDE OF THE

HOUSE TO THE RIGHT?

THEN TAKE ALL THE TREES IN THE

BACKYARD MOVE 'EM INTO THE

FRONT.

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WE'RE GOING TO MY MOM'S.

WHAT?

DID I AGREE TO THIS WEEKEND

IN ONE OF THOSE ARGUMENTS

YOU HAD WITHOUT ME?

YOUR WEEKEND SEEMS A LITTLE BIT

DIFFERENT THAN THE ONE I HAD

PLANNED.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT LAYING

ON THE COUCH.

POURING THE CHIPS DIRECTLY ONTO

MY STOMACH.

WATCH ME A LITTLE ESPN II

CHEERLEADING CHAMPIONSHIP OF

1987.

THEN TAKE ME A LITTLE

NAPPIE POO.

HOLEY MACKEREL, FELLOWS,

YOU GUYS EVER GET BUSTED FOR

TAKING A NAP THAT WASN'T

SANCTIONED IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD?

OH!

[LAUGHTER]

ACTUALLY I JUST FOUND THIS OUT,

ON A SIDE NOTE.

EVERY GIRL I EVER LIVED WITH,

RIGHT, ALWAYS SAID THE SAME

THING TO ME.

SHE ALWAYS SAID, "YOU KNOW WHAT,

JOHN?

I GUESS WE JUST DON'T SEE

EYE TO EYE.

I GUESS WE JUST SEE THINGS

DIFFERENTLY."

SO I WENT AND GOT MY EYES

CHECKED.

[LAUGHTER]

AND APPARENTLY I'M CLUTTER

BLIND.

THE DEAL WITH THIS IS EASY.

IS IT STRIKES ABOUT 110% OF ALL

MEN.

[LAUGHTER]

AND WE DON'T ALWAYS SEE THE SAME

MESS THAT YOU DO, LADIES.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE LIGHT

REFLECTING DIFFERENT IN OUR

EYES.

WE'D HELP PICK UP IF WE SAW IT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THERE'S SOME TESTS YOU COULD

DO, LADIES, TO SEE IF YOUR GUY

ACTUALLY HAS THIS DISEASE.

PLACE ANYTHING IN FRONT OF

THE DOOR, LIKE A LITTLE GARBAGE

OR SOMETHING.

YOU MIGHT THINK NEEDS TO GO

OUTSIDE.

[LAUGHTER]

OR PLACE SOMETHING MAYBE ON YOUR

FIRST STEP LEADING UPSTAIRS.

MAYBE SOME TOWELS.

AND YOU MIGHT THINK THAT THOSE

TOWELS SHOULD TAKE A JOURNEY

UPWARD.

SEE IF YOUR GUY IS LIKE ME,

AND WILL STEP OVER IT.

WHATEVER YOU PUT THERE EVERY

TIME.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

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