Dan Soder - Crushes

Dan Soder: Not Special Season 1, Ep 1 05/21/2016 Views: 1,046

Dan Soder reveals that a crush can only end in one of two ways and explains why his crushes are different now than they were when he was a teenager. (1:41)

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There is some nice, fun parts

about, like, being--you know,dating and meeting someone new.

Crushes, which I thinkare overrated.

I don't know if I--yeah, [bleep] crushes.

They suck.

Does anyone ever--it's never good.

Crushes don't end well.

That, I know for sure.

Crushes never end well.

Crushes end in two ways:

heartbreak or murder.

That's it.

You're either gonna listento sad songs

or get rid of a handful of teethinto a lake.

That's what's gonna happen.

Is that--that's probablytoo dark on that one.

What I'm trying to say is,I have a crush on someone.

[laughter]

Be at peace.

No, no.[laughter]

[laughs]

[applause]

No.

I do--I can tell that I'm moremature because of this crush.

Like, I can tell I'ma little bit more of a grownup

because of this crush,

because when I had crusheswhen I was a teenager,

it was very, like,childlike and innocent,

and I was just like,"I just want to hold her hand

and kiss her face."

And now, at 32,when I have a crush,

I'm like,"I want to eat her butt.

"Like, I want to eat it,

like, consistently put my mouthon her worst place."

[growls and laughs]

[snarls]

And now I'm single,and it's like, you know,

there's guys out therethat are very, like,

"I'm ready to crush some pussy."

It's just...

No woman--women don't want that.

If I ever met a girlthat was like,

"Destroy my vagina."

You should probablycall your dad.

I think there's some deep issuesbubbling under the surface.

I feel they'reout of my pay grade.