Dave Attell - Porno

  • Season 2, Ep 8
  • 07/09/1999
  • Views: 27,970

Where is the harm in masturbation? (2:38)

IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH, YOU WILLNEVER BE ALONE, ALL RIGHT ?

PEOPLE WILL FIND YOU

AND THAT'S WHEN ALLTHE BAD STUFF HAPPENS, RIGHT ?

JUST SITTING AROUND,DOING NOTHING.

RIGHT ?

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENEDONE TIME ?

DRUNK, NOTHING TO DO.

I END UP DOING WHAT ?

MY PENIS IN MY FISH TANK,ALL RIGHT ?

NO, I DID IT JUST TO SHOW THEMWHO'S BOSS, ALL RIGHT ?

THEY WERE GETTINGA LITTLE UPPITY.

EVEN THE DIVER GUYSTOPPED BUBBLING.

HE'S LIKE, "BLA-- ?"

THEN THEY HIDIN THE CASTLE.

AND LIKE ALL GOOD TIMES,IT ALWAYS ENDS

WHEN YOUR GRANDMAWALKS IN, DOESN'T IT ?

( as old woman )"GET THAT ( bleep )OUT OF THAT FISH TANK !

TIME FOR SUPPER."

I'M IN THERE FOR THE PORNO,I LIKE A GOOD PORNO MOVIE.

I'M EVEN WATCHINGGAY PORNO NOW.

I'M RUNNING OUTOF STRAIGHT PORNO.

I JUST PRETEND

IT'S TWO STRAIGHT GUYSTHAT GOT THERE REALLY EARLY,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT,THAT IS A GREAT JOKE.

THAT ONE IS GOOD.

IF ONLYIT WAS A JOKE.

SOME PEOPLE ARE AGAINSTPORNO MOVIES, AND I SAY,

"HEY, OHIO,KENTUCKY AND IRAN..."

I SAY, "HEY."

WHATEVER A MAN AND A WOMAN

AND ANOTHER WOMANWITH A PENIS

AND MIDGET DOTO A DONKEY,

THAT'S THEIRGOSH DARN BUSINESS.

IT'S JUST MASTURBATION--WHERE'S THE HARM IN IT ?

WHERE IS THE HARM IN IT,I ASK YOU.

I MASTURBATE.

I DO IT LIKE I THINKIF I KEEP DOING IT

I'M GONNAWIN SOMETHING.

THAT'S THE WAYI DO IT.

ONE SHOT, ONE KILL.

TWO MEN ENTER,ONE MAN LEAVE.

THERE CAN BE ONLYONE HIGHLANDER.

IF YOU EVER GET CAUGHTMASTURBATING,

AND I HOPE ITDOESN'T HAPPEN TO YOU--

ALL RIGHT, NOW,LISTEN UP.

THERE'S A LOTOF YOUNG PEOPLE HERE.

LISTEN UP, THIS COULD SAVE YOUA LOT OF YEARS, ALL RIGHT ?

I'M TELLING YOU,THIS IS WHAT YOU DO--

YOU GET CAUGHTMASTURBATING, OKAY ?

YOUR FANTASY WORLD HAS COLLAPSEDON YOU, ALL RIGHT ?

NOW, IT'S JUST YOU AND SHAMEHANGING OUT TOGETHER ONCE AGAIN.

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO--FIRST, LOOK SURPRISED.

AND DON'T WORRY,YOU WILL BE SURPRISED.

"HUH, WHAT'S HAPPENING ?!

AHH, BADLOCKSMITH !"

THEN SAY THIS, OKAY,"QUICK, GET SOME HELP !

"MY HAND AND PEENIEARE FIGHTIN'.

"GET SOME HELP, A HOT TOWELAND A CHICKEN BURRITO.

THIS IS A BATTLE ROYALE."

( hummingcountry tune )

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