Brett Butler - He Needed Killing

Brett Butler & Nick DiPaolo Season 1, Ep 0137 02/24/1992 Views: 2,737

Mall cologne-women need killing. (3:09)

THIS UNWRITTEN"HE NEEDED KILLING" LAW

IMPLYING THAT IF TWO PEOPLEARE INVOLVED IN AN ALTERCATION

AND THE ONE WHO DIESAS A RESULT IS A JERK

THEN THE ONE WHO KILLED HIMCAN GET OFF.

CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW THINLYPOPULATED NEW YORK WOULD BE

WERE THAT TO GOINTO EFFECT THERE?

I HAVE IN MINDA WHOLE BATCH OF WOMEN

WHO SPRAY COLOGNE ON US AGAINSTOUR WILL IN DEPARTMENT STORES.

THAT CHAPS MY BUTT, I HATE THAT.

I TRY AND BE NICE.

I GO, "LOOK,I KNOW IT'S YOUR JOB

"BUT IF YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEPTOWARDS ME WITH THAT ATOMIZER

I WILL PULL OUT A LIGHTERAND PUT IT ON HIGH."

THEN YOU HAVE TO WATCH THEMRETRACE BASIC CHEMISTRY LIKE

"UH-OH!"

I ALWAYS THOUGHT "UH-OH"WAS SO APT FOR IMMOLATION.

AND THEY DON'T EVENHAVE TO SELL ANYTHING.

THEY THINK THAT IF THEY SAYTHE NAME OF THE COLOGNE

WE'LL BE EDIFIEDIN SOME TRANSCENDENTAL WAY

WHEN THEY COME OVERAND GO, "OBSESSION."

"SHUT UP."

"YOU'RE 17, I'M 34.

"YOU DON'T KNOWWHAT OBSESSION IS YET.

"IT AIN'T IN A BOTTLE.

"COME OVER HERE,LITTLE BABY-SITTER

"I WILL TELL YOUWHAT OBSESSION IS.

"OBSESSION IS ROAMINGAROUND THE BUSHES

"OUTSIDE OF A MARRIED MAN'SHOUSE AT MIDNIGHT

"WITH A MACHETE IN ONE HAND

"AND A JAR OF VICKS VAPORUBIN THE OTHER.

"NOW GO TELL YOUR DADDY THAT.

AND TELL HIM TO CALL ME."

( laughter and applause )

HE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE,"SHE SCARES ME."

OKAY, UM... I'M HAPPILY MARRIED.

THERE'S A LITTLE QUIET CORNERIN HELL.

I DID,I MARRIED A SWEET NEW YORKER.

MY HUSBAND'S JEWISH-- NICEJEWISH BOY, HE'LL NEVER BEAT ME.

HE WON'T TIE ME UPLIKE I WANT HIM TO, BUT...

GOD LOVE HIM.

OH, STOP, PLEASE.

I DID, I HAD A FIRST MARRIAGE.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT MAKESTHIS ONE WORK SO WELL.

I WAS MARRIEDWHEN I WAS REALLY YOUNG.

WELL, I WAS 20--THAT'S YOUNG HERE.

IN GEORGIA, I WAS A SPINSTER.

I WAS MARRIED TO A REDNECKFROM MACON, GEORGIA.

I'M SORRY, CAN YOU NOTSAY REDNECK ANYMORE?

IS THAT NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT?

I WILL ELABORATE.

I WAS MARRIED TO A SUBLITERATE,TERRA-COTTA-TOOTHED IMBECILE

WITH VIOLENT TENDENCIES.

WAIT, OTHER WORDSARE COMING TO MIND.

I WAS MARRIED TO A SIMIAN,KNUCKLE-DRAGGING, COUSIN-DATING

NOSE-PICKING, TRAILER-DWELLING,DOG-SELLING, MOTHER-LOVING

BRAINLESS AMOEBAON THE BOOGER FARM OF THE BAYOU.

AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO THINKTHAT WAS EXCESSIVE OR CRUEL

I ASSURE YOU MY EX-HUSBAND

DOES NOT UNDERSTANDHYPHENATED REFERENCES.

I HAVE TO DO SHOWSDOWN THAT WAY.

THEY HAVE A CLUBIN MACON, GEORGIA.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WORSE--

THE AUDIENCES, OR THE GUYS WHOHAVE TO OPEN FOR ME DOWN THERE.

I WENT DOWN THEREON OPENING NIGHT.

THE OPENING ACT

WAS BELCHING THE THEME SONGTO "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND."

OH, THE AUDIENCEWAS REALLY ANGRY.

THEY WERE LIKE, "HEY, WE CAMEHERE TO LAUGH, NOT TO THINK."

AND I HAVE A FEELINGI WON'T WORK THERE AGAIN.