Bert Kreischer - Kids' Urinal

  • Season 1 , Ep 5
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 7,572

Bert accidentally peed in a kid-sized urinal. (2:03)

(Bert Kreischer)I WAS AT A BOWLING ALLEYWITH MY BUDDY GEORGE

AND, UM, WE WEREPOPPING A FEW TOPS,

GETTING, LIKE,BOWLING ALLEY DRUNK.

WHEN YOU GET REALLY DRUNK,YOU'RE SAYING... "HOWDY!"

AND CRAP LIKE THAT.

AND, I GO IN TOTAKE A PISS, RIGHT?

AND YA KNOW HOW WHEN YAWALK INTO THE BATHROOM,

THERE'S LIKE FIVEURINALS LINED UP

AND THERE'S ALWAYS ONEDROPPED DOWN FOR THE KIDS.

I ACCIDENTALLY PEEDIN THE KIDS' ONE.

LIKE, I GOT UP THERE...I THOUGHT I WASA GIANT AT FIRST.

I WAS LIKE..."WHAT HAPPENED?

"I'VE GOTTEN SO...

I GOTTA SHOWEVERYONE THIS."

BUT THEN ITDAWNED ON ME,

OKAY, I'M PEEINGIN THE KIDS' ONE.

AND YA KNOW WHENLITTLE KIDS ARE SOANIMATED WHEN THEY PEE.

THEY'RE ALL... OHH.

AND HE LOOKS AND HE SEESI'M PEEING IN HIS URINAL

AND IT'S TIME FORHIM TO GRADUATE

TO THE BIG BOY URINAL.

AND SO HE LOOKSAT ME AND HE, LIKE,

GOES OVER TO THEURINAL NEXT TO ME.

IT'S A LITTLE TALL ANDHE UNDOES HIS PANTS

AND DROPS 'EMDOWN TO HIS KNEES.

BUTT'S ALL SHOWING,LIKE A LITTLE KID.

SO I SEE HIM AND HE LOOKSAND HE'S TOO SHORT.

LIKE, HE DOESN'T FIT.

SO HE TRIES TOTIPPY-TOE, YA KNOW?

STRETCHING IT ANDSTUFF... IT'S NOT GOING.

AND SO HE LIKE TRIESTO RAINBOW IT IN

BY DOING "THEMATRIX" LEANBACK.

(Bert Kreischer)BUT IT'S STILLNOT GOING, RIGHT?

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SEE ITCLICK IN HIS HEAD, YA KNOW?

LIKE, "OH, I GOT IT."

HE REACHES UP AND THATSTEEL POLE BEHIND THE URINAL

AND LIKE SYLVESTER STALLONEIN "CLIFFHANGER,"

LIFTS HIMSELF UP AND PLOPSHIS TWIG AND BERRIES

INSIDE THE URINALLIKE HE'S AN ELEPHANT.

I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD,THIS IS MY FAULT.

THIS KID'S GONNAGET THE CLAP

'CAUSE HE'S ONTHE URINAL MINT.

AND I'M LIKE, ICAN'T LET THIS HAPPENTO THIS POOR KID.

SO, AND I'M DRUNK, RIGHT?

AND I LEAN OVERTO SAY TO HIM--

I DON'T KNOW WHATCAME OUTTA MY MOUTH.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT, LIKE,TWO WORDS INTO MY SENTENCE,

THIS KID REALIZES I'MWATCHING HIM PISS AND FREAKS.

HE'S ALL... "AHHHHH!"

AND STARTS FREAKING OUT.

NOW I'M SCARED, LIKE LENNYFROM "OF MICE AND MEN."

I'M ALL...(deep voice)YOU BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!

YOU BE QUIET!

Loading...