Mike DeStefano - Affirmative Action Friendships

  • Season 14 , Ep 20
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 7,932

Mike DeStefano can make jokes about black people because his third best friend is black. (2:24)

LIKE, I WANT TO BE REINCARNATEDAS A BLACK MAN.

THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING,I WANT TO BE A BIG BLACK DUDE.

I MEAN, NOT NEXT LIFE -- I WANTTO BE WHITE ONE MORE TIME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NOW, I DO A LOT OF JOKESABOUT BLACK PEOPLE

BECAUSE MY THIRD BEST FRIENDIS BLACK, OKAY?

YEAH. AND I'VE HAD PEOPLE SAY,"WHY'S HE GOT TO BE THIRD?"

AND I'M LIKE,"WELL, MR. SHARPTON..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...HE'S NOT THAT GOODOF A FRIEND.

"IF HE WAS A BETTER FRIEND,I'D MOVE HIS BLACK ASS UP.

"I'M NOT HOLDING HIM DOWN.I'M NOT HOLDING A BROTHER DOWN.

I JUST DON'T HAVEAFFIRMATIVE ACTION FRIENDSHIPS."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ Southern accent ] "WE DON'TAPPRECIATE THAT, BUDDY.

WE'RE GONNA KILL YOU, BUDDY."

[ Normal voice ]"WELL, IF I'M YOUR BUDDY,WHY DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?

IT MAKES NO SENSE."

[ Southern accent ]"I'LL KILL YOU, BUDDY."

[ Normal voice ]ITALIANS DO THE SAME THING --"I'M GONNA CUT YOUR HEAD OFF.

"I'M GONNA STICK ITIN THAT GARBAGE CAN OVER THERE,

MY FRIEND."

[ LAUGHTER ]

LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK

THAT I'M STEREOTYPINGHILLBILLY PEOPLE

AND PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH.

I'M NOT. I'M JUDGING THEM.

I'M JUDGING THEM.

THEY'RE FILTHY, USELESS ANIMALS,

AND WE DON'T NEED THEM ANYMORE.

WE DON'T NEED THEM.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OKAY?WE DON'T NEED THEM.

IN FACT, YOU COULD TAKE THE EASTCOAST AND THE WEST COAST,

AND THE REST CAN JUST GO AWAY.

IT'S ALL --JUST GET RID OF THE MIDDLE.

WE DON'T NEED THE MIDDLE.

AND THERE'STOO MANY PEOPLE ALIVE.

THAT'S ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY.

THERE ARETOO MANY PEOPLE ALIVE.

THAT'S RIGHT. I SAID IT --TOO MANY PEOPLE ALIVE.

I WORKED ON A SUICIDE HOTLINE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MISTAKES WERE MADE.

MISTAKES WERE MADE.

I WOULD ANSWER THE PHONE,

"SUICIDE HOTLINE --LIFE'S NOT FOR EVERYONE."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'RE ONTHE RIGHT TRACK, SIR, REALLY.

TRY NOT TO [BLEEP] IT UP."

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