First ever assassination attemptwas on Andrew Jackson.
He inventedthe assassination attempt.
A guy walked up, shotpoint-blank, the gun misfired.
Dude pulled out a second gun--
'cause I guesshe'd heard how hard it was
to kill Andrew Jackson.
It also misfired.
So Jackson beat the dudewith his cane.
And then he built a statueof himself
right where that happened.
When he left office, he said
his only regretafter eight years
was that he didn't shootJohn C. Calhoun dead.
John C. Calhoun washis vice president.
Can you imagine Obama in 2016?
"Any regrets?""No, everything was great.
"I do wishI had murdered Joe Biden.
I do wish that."
"What about the fiscal cliff,the unemployment,
the Web site problems?""No, that was all fine.
"It's just that one homicide
of Joe Biden."
When Jackson died,he had a pet parrot.
'Cause apparentlyhe was also a land pirate.
And the parrot had to be removedfrom his funeral
because it wouldn't stopcussing.
I really want to see this movieget made.
And I want it directedby Quentin Tarantino.
And I want Andrew Jacksonplayed by Samuel L. Jackson.
And I want the pet parrot voicedover by Samuel L. Jackson.