Extended - Hampton Yount - The Dumbest Name & Picking a Religion - Uncensored

The One with the Replacement Hosts Season 2, Ep 1 06/30/2015 Views: 2,084

In this extended stand-up set, Hampton Yount explains that he has the second whitest name he's ever heard and describes the night he became an atheist. (10:25)

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(electronic music)

- Please everybody welcome Hampton Yount.

(applause)

- Woah, wait no.

Way less, you're wrong.

(audience laughs)

Hi, my name is Hampton Yount.

It's the dumbest name I've ever heard

(audience laughs)

So how do you think I feel living with that

every day of my life?

My name is Hampton Parker Yount.

Whitest, it's the second whitest name I've ever found.

The first whitest name is Mitt Romney.

(audience laughs)

Then Hampton Parker Yount then Benedict Cumberbatch.

(audience laughs)

And we're the holy triumvirate,

we just hang around together

we just do white guyshit together you know,

pollute lakes,

(audience laughs)

take land from people you know,

Mitt Romney will grab a girls throat

and he'll go too hard it was weird

(audience laughs)

me and Eggs Benedict,

that's what I call Benedict Cumberbatch

we have to pull him off,

we're like no, no, no!

(audience laughs)

This is my group.

It's what I do.

This is such a weird set (laughs)

I don't know how to get comfortable.

There have to be people who have their birthday on 9/11

for whatever it's worth.

And of that group of people,

there has to be at least one guy who got up that day

and had no idea what wasgoing on and his friend

calls him and his friend's like, "Oh my God

do you know what's happening today?"

He's like, "yes."

(audience laughs)

So,

it's the end of that joke, I don't have anymore,

I will not write anymore.

But I think it's a good palettecleanser for the beginning.

So there's no god

and I was thinking about that the other day, how that sucks.

(audience laughs)

I was raised really catholic and I didn't masturbate

'til I was 19 'cause I thought the minute you masturbate

you go to hell.

Like a trap door goes under you (screams)

you just fall down.

So I remember the nightI became an atheist,

which is me at night just like rock hard erection

just like (grunts),

it's probably bullshit (groans).

(audience laughs)

Then, that's how it all happened man.

It's how it happened.

I just don't think you should force,

like you can believe whatever you want

just don't force it on anybody.

Like, a week ago somebody put under my windshield wiper,

not gonna say who, puta picture of a dead baby

underneath my windshield wiper.

It was like a Christian group.

I was like, okay I don't need coffee now.

(audience laughs)

It was an anti-abortionI think, I didn't check.

That would be weird if that was a pro-abortion pamphlet.

(audience laughs)

Like hey dead baby, what do you think?

Interested?

Want to try?

(audience laughs)

It was an anti-abortionpamphlet I think

and I didn't read, like the cover just made me laugh

before I threw it off my car and it said

abortions kill three lives every second!

And I say it like that because it had like

five exclamation points and a bunch of frowny faces

like mu-ah you get it.

And I was like, I remember always hearing that fact

a person is born every second.

Are you saying without abortion,

four people would be born every second?

Thank god for abortion!

(audience laughs)

that's the greatest pro-argument for abortion

I've ever heard.

I fucking hate people.

(audience laughs)

I just feel bad for abortion doctors now, don't you.

Like having to keep up with that crazy work load.

I feel like it's like in I Love Lucy

where she's in the chocolate factory like

(audience laughs)

Woah these babies!

What a silly place.

(audience laughs)

No one would get anabortion there (laughs)

Hi (laughs)

I was raised with like abstinence as my only sex education,

I don't think that's a good idea.

I think that's why I'm fucked up.

I think that's why I'm screwed up.

You know what I mean like, the idea behind it is like,

kids can't get pregnant of they're not having sex.

Yes, much like in the way you could cure diarrhea

by spackling your asshole shut with wet cement.

(audience laughs)

It's like hey man, how's that diarrhea treating you?

You know what, it's all taken care of.

(audience laughs)

My insides are on fire and I'm crying a brown liquid,

but none of that pesky diarrhea.

(audience laughs)

So feel pretty good,what I'm trying to say.

It's weird what people want to pass on to their kids.

It kind of fascinates me.

My dad cut up my dick when I was a baby.

It wasn't recent, it's when he did it.

It's when you caught me old man,

you caught me when I was a baby,

I was weak, couldn't fight back.

(audience laughs)

It's when you came at my dick.

You try that shit now,

you try and cut up mydick now old man, uh-uh.

(audience laughs)

It ain't working out like that.

You've taken too many slices from the deli sir.

(audience laughs)

No, on-guard, how dare you.

(audience laughs)

I think it is so funny that we still circumcise babies.

For the same reason like every dad has the same reason

like, "I want his penisto look like mine".

That's the most serial killer shit I've ever heard

in my entire life

is like, "make that baby's penis

look like my adult male penis!

(audience laughs)

Why don't more things look like my weird dick?"

You vain, vain man.

(audience laughs)

Pun intendo.

(audience laughs)

I've sometime had people like it's cleaner, it's cleaner.

What lazy parent is justlike, "oh you know what,

just cut it off.

I don't want to be cleaning this kid's dick every

every morning, noon, and night.

He's just gonna get mud and twigs and sticks on it.

Cut off his dick, cut off a part of his penis."

I think sometimes how I would raise my kids,

if any woman were toever let me cum inside,

(audience laughs)

but if I were to have a kid, how would I raise my kids?

I've come to the conclusionthat I would raise them Jewish.

Like really Jewish, like super Jewish,

like orthodox Jew, just every day,

he's gotta wear the hat,he's gotta wear the cape

and the curls.

Every day I'm like, "get up, you gotta be Jewish today.

You gotta go to temple!"

And like drop him off, "Learn Hebrew, learn Hebrew!"

Everyday for years and years until he's about the age

of eight or nine, and he's like, "Dad, why am I Jewish,

and you're not Jewish?"

And I'll be like, "CauseI think it's funny!"

(audience laughs)

And he's like, "Well I don't want to do that.

I don't want to be Jewish if you're not

gonna be Jewish.

I don't want to have to do this

if you're not gonna be Jewish."

And then I get to go,

"boy you Jews really love to complain."

(audience laughs)

Which is just a fun jokeabout indoctrination.

I was told this was a Palestinian audience, is it?

(audience laughs)

Is it going well?

(audience laughs)

I think I would believe in the Greek and Roman gods,

if I had a choice.

I grew up reading about those stories.

It always made a lot of sense to me.

The Greek and Roman gods were all related to each other,

and they would just fuck each other,

and fuck over each other andhave weird murder revenge plots

and turn into animals and fuck each other.

They were just like if rednecksfucked the justice league,

and people prayed to them.

(audience laughs)

Like that was real, that was their shit.

But then you think ofthe Judeo-Christian God,

whenever something bad happens in your life,

what do they always tell you.

They're always like, "he's got a plan, he's got a plan."

God's like JasonStatham, he's got a plan

and you can't see it, and you got questions

and you're like, "what about starvation in Africa?"

He's like, "I've got a fucking plan,

it's all part of the plan."

(audience laughs)

I think the Greek and Roman gods make

so much more sense whenbad things are happening

in your life, right?

You're wife cheats on you with your best friend,

takes the kids, takes every dime you've ever made.

Your like, "what god would allow this?"

It's like Zues, Zues would totally allow that!

(audience laughs)

He thinks it's funny.

You'd never have these huge metaphysical questions like,

"what god would allow war?"

The god of war.

(audience laughs)

The war god, he's the one.

I was raised in the Catholic church,

and they're really anti-gay in my small town

of like 6 thousand people.

Not the most progressivetown in the world.

And, I'm sweating so much, real comedy (laughs).

(audience laughs)

But it's funny whenever the Catholic church comes out

against gay people,

they always use the same couple arguments.

And the big one they always have is,

"it says you can't lay with another man!

It says that, it's in there!"

Yeah, but that doesn't say no butt fucking.

(audience laughs)

I hate to be a realstickler for the rules,

Lincoln lawyer, I object.

(audience laughs)

But that doesn'tsay no butt sex.

What if god justdoesn't want you to have

like a loving, caring relationship with another man

and lay down with him.

What if god is just intorough trade gay sex,

that's it.

(audience laughs)

That's all he's into, like the standing 69

that two guys can do where they're like

blowing each other and they're just like,

"is this okay god?"

And god's like, "yeah, yeah, yeah (groans)

galaxy, stars, nebulus."

(audience laughs)

That's how it all happened man.

(audience laughs)

You guys are super fun,thank you very much

have a great night.

(applause)

Take care of yourselves.

- Hampton Yount everybody.

(cheers)

(upbeat rock music)