Eugene Mirman - British Emergency Room

Eugene Mirman: An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory Season 1, Ep 101 12/14/2012 Views: 15,428

Eugene Mirman requests a soundtrack for his dislocated shoulder. (2:13)

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- I DID A BUNCH OF SHOWSIN LONDON IN THE FALL

WITH SOME FRIENDS,

AND AFTER THE FIRST NIGHT,WE WENT TO THIS BAR,

AND WE WERE WALKINGDOWN SOME STAIRS--

BRITISH STAIRS,BUT LIKE OURS...

A LITTLE MORE ARROGANT.

AND THEY TOOKA LITTLE LESS RESPONSIBILITY

FOR THE IRAQ WAR.

BASICALLY THE SAME.

AND I WAS WALKING,

AND I SLIPPED,AND I FLEW INTO THE AIR,

AND I LANDED,AND I DISLOCATED MY SHOULDER,

WHICH IS VERY PAINFUL,IT TURNS OUT.

AND THE ONLY WAY I KNEWHOW TO FIX A DISLOCATED SHOULDER

WAS FROM THE MOVIE LETHAL WEAPON,

WHERE--WHERE MEL GIBSONRUNS INTO A WALL SCREAMING,

SO, UH, INSTEAD MY FRIENDSQUEEZED ME AND YELLED.

DIDN'T WORK.

SO WE HAD TO GOTO THE BRITISH EMERGENCY ROOM,

AND I'D NEVER BEENTO AN EMERGENCY ROOM

IN ANOTHER COUNTRY.

AND WE WENT THERE,AND THEY WERE VERY NICE.

THEY WERE LIKE,"WHERE ARE YOU FROM?"

AND I'M LIKE, "AMERICA."AND THEY'RE LIKE, "NO PROBLEM."

AND THE DOCTORGAVE ME MORPHINE.

AND AS HE'S GIVING METHE MORPHINE,

I LOOK AT HIM, AND I GO,

"COULD YOU PUT ONSOME VELVET UNDERGROUND?"

[laughter]

THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY.

THEY WERE JUST PLAYINGTHE JESUS AND MARY CHAIN--

WAY TOO DISCORDANTFOR A HOSPITAL.

UM, WHEN I WAS THERE,I BOUGHT A PHONE,

AND THEY WERE LIKE,

"IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS PHONE,YOU CAN RETURN IT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "OKAY."

AND I USED IT,AND I WAS LIKE,

"OOH, THIS ISA TERRIBLE PHONE."

AND SO I BROUGHT IT BACK,

AND THE WOMAN WAS LIKE,"WHY ARE YOU RETURNING IT?"

I'M LIKE,"OH, I JUST DON'T LIKE IT."

AND SHE'S LIKE,"NO PROBLEM,"

AND SHE STARTS ENTERINGMY NAME AND ADDRESS.

AND FINALLY SHE'S LIKE,"WHY DON'T YOU LIKE IT?"

AND I'M LIKE,"I JUST DON'T LIKE IT."

AND SHE'S LIKE, "NO, I HAVETO WRITE DOWN A REASON."

AND I WAS LIKE,"OH, OKAY.

UH, THIS PHONE BELIEVESIN INTELLIGENT DESIGN."

AND SHE HAD TO BE LIKE,

"THE PHONE BELIEVESIN INTELLIGENT DESIGN."

IT MADE ME JUSTKEEP WANTING TO BUY PHONES

AND RETURN THEM

AND JUST BE LIKE,

"THIS PHONE SMELLSLIKE CHOCOLATE."