Courtroom Justice

  • Season 3 , Ep 4
  • 06/19/2012
  • Views: 65,189

When Ders's lawyering doesn't work in small claims court, Adam tries some liaring. (2:29)

I'D LIKE TO, UH,ADDRESS THE JURY HERE.

- UH, PLAINTIFF, UH,THIS ISN'T A JURY TRIAL.

THEY'RE HEREAWAITING THEIR CASES.

- THESE PEOPLE?- UH-HUH.

- THANK YOU,JUDGE TIBBLES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMENOF THE ESTEEMED COURT,

TWO DUDES WITH SOMEBODACIOUS PONYTAILS.

- 22 INCHES AND COUNTING.- DUDE.

THIS IS 19 INCHES.IT'S LONGER THAN YOURS.

- NO, IT'S NOT.- I MEASURED IT

FROM THE BASE UP HERE.- I MEASURED IT

FROM THE TOPOF MY FOREHEAD.

- I HAVE BUT ONE WORD:

"JUSTICE."RIGHT?

JUST. US.

IT'S JUST USON THIS PLANET EARTH.

WE'RE ALONE, SO...

WE NEED TO TRUSTEACH OTHER.

TRUST. US.

RHYMES, SO YOU KNOWTHAT IT'S REAL.

WHICH BRINGS METO THE QUESTION...

ARE WE HUMAN...

OR ARE WE DANCERS?

- PLAINTIFF, IS THERE ANYADDITIONAL EVIDENCE

BESIDESTHE DEFECTIVE HOVERCRAFT?

- NO, BUT LOOK,I WAS HAVING A GOOD TIME.

THE PROBLEM IS THAT THIS GUYSOLD US A BUNK HOVERCRAFT,

AND NOW WE'RE GONNA HAVEA SAUSAGE FEST

WITH NO BIKINISAND NO STRAW COWBOY HATS,

AND I DON'T THINKYOU'RE BEING FAIR.

THIS ISN'T FAIR.

- MR. WALKER, HOW DO YOU RESPONDTO THE ACCUSATION?

- YOUR HONOR, I KNOW YOUR TIMEIS VALUABLE, SO I WILL BE BRIEF.

UM, THIS HEREIS A TEXTBOOK WITCH HUNT--

- HOW'S HE SOUND SO REAL?- THAT WILL CLEARLY EXONERATE ME

FROM ALL THESE PREJUDICIOUSAND UNFAIR CHARGES.

- THIS ISN'TA RACE THING, SIR.

- MAY I APPROACH THE BENCH?- PROCEED.

- HE KNOWS EXACTLY...- YOU'RE DUMB.

- YOUR HONOR, AS YOU CAN SEE,IN NINE SEPARATE LOCATIONS,

IN ACCORDANCE WITHOUR GREAT LAW, IS MY SIGNS.

- DERS, WHY AREN'T YOUUSING THE BRIEFCASE?

- THERE'S NOTHINGINSIDE THE BRIEFCASE

EXCEPT FOR GOLF PENCILSAND BASEBALL CARDS,

AND SLIM JIM DARE.

- SLIM JIM DARE REALLYFREAKING HOT BEEF JERKY,

AND YOU DIDN'TGIVE US ANY OF THAT.

- THIS IS THE JALAPENO KIND,AND YOU DIDN'T GIVE--

YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK--- GENTLEMEN, PLEASE.

THIS IS A COURT OF LAW.IT'S NOT A FEEDING TROUGH.

- I HAD ONE.I HAD--THIS ONE WAS OUT.

- I JUST--OKAY.- NO, NO, DUDE, DUDE, COME ON.

- I THINK YOU'RE MAKINGA VERY GOOD CASE HERE.

- OKAY, DERS'S LAWYERINGDIDN'T WORK,

SO IT'S TIME FOR METO DO SOME LIAR-ING.

I'M GONNA LIE.- OH, COOL.

- [Southern accent]YOUR HONOR,

I DO DECLARETHAT WE HAVE A STAR WITNESS

THAT WE WOULD LIKETO CALL TO THE STAND.

- TO THE WHAT?- TO THE STAND.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WORD YOU'RE SAYING.

- TO THE STAND,TO THE STAND.

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