Uncensored - Chris D'Elia - Gay Friend in the Crew Pt. 2

Chris D'Elia: White Male. Black Comic. Season 1, Ep 101 11/20/2013 Views: 14,380

Chris D'Elia has a good rule of thumb for anyone who wants to have sex. (2:22)

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HE WAS LIKE, "WHAT?!

"HE'S GAY?! NO WAY!

"I'LL NEVER HANG OUTWITH HIM AGAIN!

"THAT'S RIDICULOUS!DOES HE WANT TO FUCK ME?

I'LL NEVER HANG OUT WITH HIMAGAIN!"

"THAT'S A CHOICE HE MADE!HE'S NOT BORN THAT WAY!

"HE NEEDS TO BEON HIS OWN ISLAND

"UNTIL HE UN-CHOOSES TO BE GAY,

"THEN MAYBE HE CAN COME BACKHERE!

"MAYBE I'LL HANG OUT WITH HIMAGAIN!

"THAT'S HOW MUCHI HATE GAY PEOPLE!

MAN, I HATE GAY PEOPLE!"I'M LIKE, "FIRST OF ALL, RELAX.

WE'RE AT STARBUCKS.JUST CHILL OUT..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...AND DIAL IT DOWN

'CAUSE THERE'S A LOTOF GAY PEOPLE IN HERE ALWAYS."

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF THAT'S HOW YOU FEEL,YOU'RE GAY, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S FINE.JUST COME TO TERMS WITH IT."

LET ME PUT IT INTO PERSPECTIVE,OKAY?

IMAGINE HANGING OUTWITH YOUR FRIEND

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,HE JUMPS UP.

HE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?FUCK BUTTERFINGERS!"

[ LAUGHS ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

"I WOULD NEVER EATA BUTTERFINGER EVER!

"I HATE GOING TO 7-ELEVEN

"AND SEEING BUTTERFINGERSGROUPED IN

"WITH THE OTHER CANDIESLIKE THEY BELONG!

"MATTER OF FACT, THEY NEEDTHEIR OWN CONVENIENCE STORE

"CALLED THE BUTTERFINGER STORE,

"AND I WOULD NEVER BE CAUGHTDEAD INSIDE THAT STORE!

"EVEN IF I NEEDED TO GONEAR THAT STORE,

"I WOULD AN ALTERNATE ROUTEAND GO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF TOWN

"TO A DIFFERENT STORE!

"THAT'S HOW MUCHI HATE BUTTERFINGERS!

MAN, I HATE BUTTERFINGERS!"

YOU'D BE LIKE,"YO, WHAT HAPPENED

BETWEEN YOU AND A BUTTERFINGER?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"WHAT -- WHATEVER.ONE TIME IN COLLEGE."

[ LAUGHS ]

"I HAD ONE BUTTERFINGER.WHO CARES?

I PUT IT IN MY BUTT. WHATEVER."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"THERE'S NO WRONG WAYTO EAT IT."

[ LAUGHS ]"IT WAS RANDOM."

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAVE SEXWITH WHOEVER YOU WANT TO.

IT'S HARD ENOUGHTO FIND SOMEBODY

THAT WANTS TO HAVE SEXWITH YOU, MAN.

YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITHA GIRL, HAVE SEX WITH A GIRL.

YOU WANT TO FUCK A DUDE,YOU KNOW WHAT?

FUCK THAT DUDE!

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, FOR REAL -- HARD!WHO CARES?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER YOU WANTTO, UH, IF THEY WANT TO.

DON'T -- OKAY, HERE'S...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT,THIS NEXT PART.

LISTEN [CHUCKLES]LISTEN TO THIS PART, OKAY?

IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING,LISTEN TO THIS PART, ALL RIGHT?

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE SEXWITH SOMEBODY,

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "HEY,I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU,"

AND THE OTHER PERSON'S LIKE,"YEAH!"

DO IT FOR SURE.

BUT [LAUGHING] IF YOU WANT TOFUCK SOMEONE

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"HEY, I WANT TO FUCK YOU,"

AND THE OTHER PERSON'S LIKE,"NO!"

DON'T DO IT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]