Amy Schumer - Can't Win

Amy Schumer: Mostly Sex Stuff Season 1, Ep 101 08/18/2012 Views: 54,754

Amy Schumer explains why she can't compete with an Asian chick. (2:19)

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I CAN'T.THEY'RE BETTER.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS.I DID THE MATH.

I KNOW THAT'S THEIR THING,BUT I DID IT.

[laughter and applause]

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT.I CAN'T WIN.

HOW CAN I COMPETEWITH AN ASIAN CHICK?

THEY'RE SMARTER.

THEY HAVENATURALLY SILKY HAIR.

THIS JEW DENIAL TOOK ME,LIKE, 40 MINUTES.

THEY LAUGH LIKE THIS

'CAUSE THEY KNOW MEN HATEWHEN WOMEN SPEAK.

[laughter]

THEY'RE BETTER.

THEY'RE JUST BETTER.

AND HOW DO THEYBRING IT ON HOME FOR THE WIN?

OH, THE SMALLEST VAGINASIN THE GAME.

I CAN'T COMPETEWITH THAT.

WHAT DO I HAVE?WHAT AM I--

I'VE GOT A B.A.IN THEATER AND HPV.

NO ONE'S BUYING MY STOCK.

I AM PLUMMETING.

I'M GOING TO BLACK GUYS.

THAT'S WHATI'M TRYING TO DO.

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING,YEAH.

I'VE--I CAN'T BELIEVEI'VE NEVER DONE IT.

I'M BUILT FOR IT.IT SEEMS WEIRD I HAVEN'T.

GOTTA GOFOR THE BLACK GUY.

HAVE YOU EVER--BLACK GUY?YEAH.

SHE'S LIKE, "AH, YEAH."

SHE'S LIKE,"YES, LOOK AT MY SHIRT,

YOU KNOWI [bleep] BLACK GUYS."

HOW CUTE ARE YOU?

YOU'RE SO CUTE.YOU'RE HOT.

I'M NOT GAY.

I'VE CAUGHT A FINGER,BUT YOU GET WHAT I'M SAYING.

[laughter]

BLACK GUYSARE THE FUTURE.

SOME CHICKS ARE SCARED.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY,"ONCE YOU GO BLACK,

YOUR PARENTSDON'T TALK TO YOU ANYMORE."

SOMETHING LIKE THAT,I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW, SOMETHING,LIKE, TO THAT EFFECT.

BUT NO,THIS DUDE COMES UP TO ME,

THIS BLACK GUY,AND HE WAS INTO IT

'CAUSE, COME ON.

AND, UH,

HE WALKS OVER,AND HE'S LIKE, "I'M DEREK."

AND I WAS LIKE, "DEREK?"

HE'S LIKE, "DEREK."

AND HE HAD ON,LIKE, A NICE SHIRT,

AND HE HAD, LIKE, A JOB.

AND I WAS LIKE,"NO, I WANT A BROTHER."

IF I'M GONNA DO IT, I WANNAREALLY DO IT, YOU KNOW?

NOT DEREK.

I WANT HIM TO, LIKE,NOT EVEN HAVE A NAME,

JUST LIKE NICKNAMES.

EVERYONE'S LIKE, "POOKIE!"

HE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S UP?"

NO JOB.

WE NEED, LIKE, A TON OF LUBE,BUT JUST, LIKE, FOR HIS ELBOWS,

YOU KNOWWHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

[laughter]

OH, THAT WASINSANELY RACIST?

YOU'RE RIGHT.