Tom Segura - Big City Stuff

Schimmel, McCullough, Guillory, Mellard, Alonzo, Belleville, Segura Season 2, Ep 4 07/05/2007 Views: 11,035

A homeless man peed on Tom Segura's leg. (2:36)

You know, I live in Los Angeles, and I was thinking

one of the things

that we have in common

in Los Angeles and New Yorkis that either place

you can lookat a beautiful girl...

like you, and you haveto think to yourself,

"Maybe that's a dude."

(laughter)You know?

You don't get that in Missouri,do you? No.

That's big-city stuff, right?

I do love New York. I do.

I was walking down, uh,West 16th Street earlier today,

and this homeless guystarted peeing on my leg.

All right? Now,in all fairness to him,

I think I was standingwhere he normally pees.

(laughter)Okay? Yeah.

So... I don't knowif you'd ever had that.

But I let him finish, all right?

You don't wantto start and stop.

I know that doesn'tfeel good, so...

When he was done, he asked meif I had any spare change.

And I said no, 'cause I didn't.

And then you know what he did?

Then he wished me well--

but in a really creepy kindof way, where you feel like

some (bleep) about to go down.

You know? Where you're, like,"I'm sorry, man.

I don't have anything for you."

"Oh, that's all right, man.

Have a wonderful day."

(laughter, clapping)

"What'd you say to me?What was that?"

"Nothing. I hopeyou have healthy children."

I was, like,"I don't have children.

"I got a 20. Don't everdo that to me again.

That wasn't cool."

You guys ever do this?Don't lie, all right?

You ever (bleep) so big,

you tell yourselfit counts as exercise.


'Cause you're sweating likeyou ran four miles, you know?

And then your friends

call you up, "Hey,let's go get a beer!"

And you're, like,"I think I'm done for today."

I'm gonna lay down.

I had two of those today,everybody.

(one person clapping)

Thank you, sir.Thank you very much.

There's a guy that likes to takea dump right there, everybody.

I saw somethingpretty crazy today.

I saw somebody usinga pay phone.

What a loser, right?


Those things are so outdated.

That's like guys with ponytails.

Holy (bleep)!That's a bold look, yeah?

That is a bold look.

There's only two kinds of guyswith ponytails.


and folksingers.


So if you don't seea banjo, run.

That guy's gonna getcha.