Eugene Mirman - He Dared Me To

Season 1 , Ep 1 01/08/10 Views: 26,746

A real dare is building a time machine, jerking off in it, then sending it to Hitler. (2:31)

(scattered cheers)YEAH.

IT'S A RUSSIANJEWISH NEIGHBORHOOD.

AND I WAS IN A STORE,AND I SAW A BOARD GAME

CALLED "LET MY PEOPLE GO."

(laughter)

BASED ON THE JEWS' EXODUSFROM EGYPT.

(laughter)

AND I WAS LIKE...

"TOO SOON."

(laughter)

TOO SOON.

I SPENT SOME OF THE SUMMERIN FRANCE FOR A FEW WEEKS,

AND I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH,

BUT I TOOK ITFOR FIVE YEARS GROWING UP.

SO IF I WAS IN A SITUATIONWHERE I HAD TO BE, LIKE,

"EXCUSE ME, PINEAPPLE,DOG, HOUSE, RED,

WHAT TIME IS IT, LIBRARY?"

(laughter)

NO PROBLEM.

AND AT ONE POINT,I WAS IN A HOTEL

TRYING TO FIND OUTHOW MUCH BREAKFAST COST,

AND I WAS, LIKE,POINTING AT MONEY

AND POINTING AT THE FOOD,AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE WOMAN

THOUGHT I WAS SAYING,'CAUSE SHE LOOKED AT ME

AND SHE WENT, "BABY?"

(laughter)

YES.

OUI.

I WOULD LIKE A BABY.

YOUR FAMOUS FRENCHBREAKFAST BABIES.

ON SOME FROMAGE.

(laughter)

I WAS IN A FISH MARKET,

AND THERE WAS A LITTLE BOYBEHIND THE COUNTER, LIKE, 9,

AND HE HAD A BUCKETOF LIVE FISH,

AND HE TOOK ONE OUT,AND HE PUT IN HIS MOUTH.

IT WAS LIKE WIGGLING,YOU KNOW.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, HIS MOM,WHO I THINK OWNED THE PLACE,

LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID,"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

AND TO MY SURPRISE,HE POINTED AT ME

AND WENT,"HE DARED ME TO!"

(laughter)

HIS MOM TURNS AROUND,WAS LIKE,

"DID YOU DARE MY SON TO PUTA LIVE FISH IN HIS MOUTH?"

AND I WAS LIKE,"NO, FIRST OF ALL,

"IF I DARED YOUR SONTO DO SOMETHING,

HE'D BE DEAD."

(laughter)

"I WOULDN'T DO, LIKE,A WIMPY DARE,

"LIKE,'READ A SHORT STORY QUICKLY!'"

(laughter)

"I'D HAVE A REAL DARE,LIKE 'EAT A BAG OF FIRE!'"

(laughter)

YOU KNOW.

"OR 'BUILD A TIME MACHINE...IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER.'"

(laughter)

THAT'S A DARE.

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