Chelsea Peretti - Great Town

  • Season 15 , Ep 3
  • 01/11/2011
  • Views: 29,120

Guys from Philadelphia are pretty much the worst people alive. (2:04)

IT SEEMS LIKEIT WOULD BE FUN

TO TAKE A SHOWERWITH SOMEONE

THAT YOU'RE INLOVE WITH, YOU KNOW.

BUT I FEEL LIKE ITALWAYS TURNS INTO LIKE,

"AH, I HAVE A WHOLECHECKLIST OF THINGS

THAT I NEED TO ACHIEVEIN THE SHOWER," YOU KNOW?

[audience laughing]

I FEEL LIKE YOU GET INTHERE WITH SOMEONE ELSE,

AND ALL OF A SUDDENYOU'RE, LIKE, INVENTING, LIKE,

"HEY, LET MEWASH YOUR BACK,"

SO YOU CAN SNEAK WASH YOURASS-- IT'S VERY STRESSFUL.

WHEREAS, WHEN I'M ALONE,THAT'S EXCLUSIVELY WHAT I WASH.

THERE'S ONLY ONE CHECK BOXON MY CHECKLIST-- GOT IT.

[audience laughing]

I SHOULD JUST STAYAWAY FROM PEOPLE.

I'VE HAD SUCH BAD LUCK--I HAD A WHOLE STRING OF TIME

IN WHICH THE ONLYGUYS ATTRACTED TO ME,

WERE GUYS FROM PHILLY

WHO ARE, PRETTY MUCH,THE WORST PEOPLE ALIVE.

[cheers and applause]

HA-HA-HA.

THEY'RE JUST KINDOF LIKE, "MWAAA."

LIKE THAT'S A PHILLYACCENT THAT I JUST NAILED.

THIS ONE GUY WAS LIKE,

"I CAN MAKE YOU FALLIN LOVE WITH PHILLY."

I WAS LIKE, "REALLY-- HOW?

"DO YOU HAVEA HANDFUL OF ECSTASY?"

THAT'S WHAT IT TOOKLAST TIME I WAS THERE.

I WAS LIKE,"MMMMM, HOME DEPOT.

"THIS IS A GREAT TOWN.

"YOU DONE ITAGAIN, PHILLY!"

I DON'T WANT TO MAKENEW YORK FEEL LEFT OUT.

THERE'S WEIRD,DUMB PEOPLE HERE, TOO.

I WAS WALKIN'DOWN THE STREET,

AND I SAW THESE TWO ITALIANGUYS WITH THEIR DOGS,

AND THE ONE GUY'STALKING TO HIS FRIEND,

AND HE'S LIKE,"YOUR DOG LOVES PASTA?

[audience laughing]

"MY DOG LOVES PASTA!"

[audience laughing]

HE COULDN'TBELIEVE IT.

AND I WAS WALKING BY LIKE,"IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING?"

"LIKE, AM I GONNATURN A CORNER,

AND IT'S GONNA BETWO FILIPINO GUYS, LIKE,

"YOUR DOG LOVES DOG.

[cheers and applause]

"THAT WHATMY DOG LOVES."

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