Uncensored - Daniel Tosh - National Anthems

Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts Season 1, Ep 101 03/06/2011 Views: 84,650

If Daniel Tosh had his own country, it would have a 32-minute national anthem, including a nine-minute guitar solo. (1:40)

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I HATE OUR FUCKING ANTHEM.

THE NATIONAL ANTHEM BLOWS.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ITON YOUR iPOD?

"WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?"

"OH, THE NATIONAL ANTHEM.

"I LOVE IT.

IT JUST REALLY GETS MEJAZZED UP."

I WANT MY OWN COUNTRY.

IF ONE OF MY ATHLETES MEDALS,OH-HO-HO,

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT,

BECAUSE MY NATIONAL ANTHEM'SGONNA BE 32 MINUTES LONG

JUST SOBRONZE AND SILVER GO,

"WHAT THE [bleep]?HOW LONG IS THIS?"

IT'S LIKE,"KNOCK IT OFF, LOSERS.

"YOU'RE BEINGVERY DISRESPECTFUL.

THERE'S A NINE-MINUTEGUITAR SOLO COMING."

"WAS THAT NOVEMBER RAIN?"

[laughter]

I DON'T KNOWWHAT'S MORE EMBARRASSING

IN THIS COUNTRY--

THAT MICHAEL PHELPSFELL FROM THE GRACES

FOR SMOKING MARIJUANA

OR THAT YOU LOOKED UP TOA SWIMMER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

[laughs]

[cheers and applause]

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

SWIMMING?

YOU MEAN THAT THINGYOU INSTINCTIVELY DO

BEFORE YOU DIE?

"YEAH, BUT HE'S REALLY FAST.IT'S...

IT'S PRETTY HEROIC."

THE FIRST THINGMICHAEL PHELPS SHOULD HAVE DONE

WHEN THAT PHOTO CAME OUT

WAS CALLKOBE BRYANT'S PUBLICIST,

BECAUSE KOBE WAS ACCUSEDOF RAPE.

AND ALL HE HAD TO DOWAS SETTLE IN CIVIL COURT

FOR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS,CHANGE HIS JERSEY NUMBER,

WIN A CHAMPIONSHIP,

AND THAT SOULLESS TOWN IN L.A.COULDN'T BE PROUDER.

YEAH, I JUST HOPEWHEN PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS

RUN AROUNDIN NUMBER 24 JERSEYS,

THEY HAVE THE DECENCYTO BE LIKE,

"OH, COME ON.NUMBER EIGHT WAS THE RAPIST.

[laughter]

"24 JUST HASA GREAT WORK ETHIC.

AND AN UNBLOCKABLETURNAROUND."