Wanda Sykes - Government Scare Tactics

Season 1 , Ep 101 01/09/03 Views: 15,466

The United States government is heavily invested in messing up America's weekend. (2:56)

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WANDA SYKES>> YOU KNOW,

THE THING THAT BUGS ME THOUGH,

IS LIKE--

NOBODY EVER WANTS TO ADMIT

WHEN THEY MADE A MISTAKE, RIGHT?

NOBODY WANTS TO ADMIT IT.

YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK AT FBI, CIA,

NSA--

THEY MESSED UP.

BUT INSTEAD OF ADMITTIN' IT,

THEY GO, "WELL, YOU KNOW,

THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD

WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED 9/11

HAPPENIN'.

NO WAY IN THE WORLD."

YOU KNOW, THEN LATER ON, WE FIND

OUT ALL THESE DAMN MEMOS CAME

OUT, YOU KNOW, HIGHLY TRAINED

FBI AGENT WROTE THE MEMO,

"I THINK THIS DUDE WANTS TO FLY

A PLANE INTO THE WORLD TRADE

CENTER."

BUT THEY LIKE, "WELL, THERE'S

NO WAY IN THE WORLD WE COULD

HAVE PREDICTED THAT."

YEAH, I COULD UNDERSTAND IF

MISS CLEO WROTE THE MEMO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU KNOW, SO NOW, THEY WANT US

TO FEEL SAFE.

SO, HOW THEY DO THAT?

BY SCARIN' US TO DEATH.

EVERY TIME WE TURN AROUND,

THEY TELLIN' US, SOMETHING GONNA

HAPPEN.

SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.

CAN'T EVEN TURN ON THE T.V.

WITHOUT HEARING A WARNING,

SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.

AND THEY ALWAYS DO IT ON A

FRIDAY, 'ROUND 5 O'CLOCK.

(LAUGHTER)

JUST TO MESS UP YOUR WEEKEND.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T THEY DO IT

ON A SUNDAY NIGHT, TELL

EVERYBODY TO TAKE THE DAY OFF

MONDAY OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW?

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"UH-- UH, YEAH.

I AIN'T COMIN' IN TODAY.

NO, MAN.

SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.

(LAUGHTER)

WELL, THAT'S WHAT DICK CHENEY

SAID."

DICK CHENEY, MAN, HE'S ON A DAMN

SCARE TOUR.

YOU CAN'T TURN THE T.V. ON--

THAT MAN SCARIN' THE HELL OUT OF

YOU.

AND I LOVE WATCHIN' THOSE

POLITICAL SHOWS, RIGHT--

SO SUNDAY MORNING, I'M WATCHIN'

MY FAVORITE SHOW, WATCHIN'

FACE THE NATION.

THERE'S DICK CHENEY ON THERE.

YOU KNOW IT LIKE WATCHIN'

CREATURE FEATURE, MAN?

DICK CHENEY LIKE, "OH, YES,

YOU KNOW, ANOTHER DOMESTIC

ATTACK, IT WILL HAPPEN.

IT'S GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME.

I COULD HAPPEN NOW!"

I'M LIKE--

WHOA!

WHOA!

WHOA!

MY CEREAL WENT FLYIN' UP IN THE

AIR.

I GOT FRUIT LOOPS ALL OVER MY

WALL.

(LAUGHTER)

CONDOLEEZZA RICE, SHE DOES THE

SAME THING.

THAT WOMAN SCARE YOU TO DEATH.

YOU NOTICE, WHENEVER SHE TALKS

TO THE PRESS, SHE'S UP THERE,

"TODAY, THE PRESIDENT MET WITH--

DID Y'ALL HEAR SUMPIN'?

(LAUGHTER)

CONDOLEEZZA RICE, THE NATIONAL

SECURITY ADVISOR, I KNEW THAT

WAS A PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.

COME ON, NOW, YOU KNOW, A BLACK

WOMAN CAN'T KEEP NO SECRETS.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SHE PROBABLY AT THE BEAUTY

PARLOR JUST TELLIN' ALL OUR

BUSINESS.

YOU KNOW, LOOK, I CAN'T BE

IN HERE ALL DAY.

WE BOMBIN' IRAQ AT TWO.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

JUST GET ME A QUICK PEDICURE.

I WANT TO LOOK CUTE WHEN WE PUT

OUR FOOT UP SADDAM'S ASS.

(LAUGHTER)

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