Marc Maron - Drug Testing

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 12/07/1998
  • Views: 3,453

Thankfully, there is no drug testing in stand-up comedy. (2:34)

WE ARE GOING TO TALKABOUT SOMETHING

I KNOW IS VERY NEAR AND DEARTO ALL OF US.

I, UH... CERTAINLY, HAD I KNOWNYOU'D BE THIS GOOD AN AUDIENCE

I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HIGHER.

( laughter )

UM... NOT SO MUCH'CAUSE I THINK DRUGS ARE GOOD.

I HAVE TO DO DRUGS--IT'S PART OF MY JOB.

LET ME EXPLAIN THAT.

THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE NOTTESTING COMICS FOR DRUGS.

IF OUR JOBS DEPENDED ON THAT

THERE'D BE THREE WORKING COMICSIN THE COUNTRY

AND TWO OF THEMWOULD HAVE PUPPETS.

AND WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THAT?

( laughter )

AND I FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE

WHO GET TESTED FOR DRUGSWHERE THEY WORK

'CAUSE LET'S BE HONEST, FOLKS.

ISN'T IT ENOUGHTHAT YOU WORK THERE?

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO RUINYOUR WEEKEND ON TOP OF IT?

IS ANY JOB THAT GOOD TO WHEREYOU'RE OUT ON A FRIDAY NIGHT

AND YOUR BUDDY GOES...

( sucking sounds )

AND YOU GOT TO GO,"DAMN, I HATE MY JOB!"

( laughter )

I MEAN, IS DENTALREALLY WORTH THAT?

AND I THINK NOT ONLYIS DRUG TESTING UNCONSTITUTIONAL

I THINK IT'S CHEATING.

I MEAN, THE WAY I FIGURE IT

IF YOU CAN'T TELL I'M HIGHBY LOOKING AT ME...

I WIN.

( laughter and applause )

Man:WHOO!

WHOO-HOO!

"I'M NOT GOING TO PEE ANYWHEREEXCEPT ON YOUR DESK, CAPTAIN.

"I GUESS THAT WILL BEMY NOTICE AS WELL.

"THAT'S UP TO YOU.

"BUT I'LL TELL YOU FOR SURE

IF YOU LIKE BEING PEED ON,I'LL BE HERE EARLY FOR WORK."

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO PEEON THEIR BOSS JUST ONCE?

COME ON, BE HONEST, FOLKS.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

I THINK THERE ARE SOME JOBS

THAT YOU OUGHT TO BE ABLETO GET HIGH BEFORE YOU GO.

IT SHOULD BE YOUR UNDERSTANDINGWITH YOUR EMPLOYER.

LET'S SAY YOU'VE GOT TO TAKEA COUPLE OF TOKES

JUST TO MUSTER UP THE DIGNITY

TO WEAR THE STUPID LITTLE HATALL DAY.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLETO GET HIGH.

AND IF YOUR BOSS SAYS,"ARE YOU HIGH?"

YOU SHOULD GO,"HELL, YES, I'M HIGH.

"LOOK AT ME.

"HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

REMEMBER THE HATS?"

"CAN YOU DO YOUR JOB HIGH?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN.

"LOOK, I GOT BOTH BASKETSGOING IN THE FRY-O-LATOR HERE.

"I'M A GENIUS. LOOK AT ME GO.

"WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF MY BACK?

"HOW WOULD THAT BE?

"I'M BACK HEREWATCHING MY DREAMS

"BUBBLE AWAY IN FAT, YOU ASS.

"WHY DON'T GO PESTER SOMEONEWHO WORKS THE REGISTER?

"THEY NEED TO TALKTO OTHER PEOPLE.

"LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

"WAIT. DON'T GO YET.

"OH, DON'T GO YET. WATCH THIS.

"WHOO!

"FRIES ARE UP!

"IF YOU NEED ME,I'LL BE OUT BACK GETTING HIGH

"SO I CAN LIVE WITH MYSELF

MY LITTLE HAT AND MYGREEN APRON, YOU BASTARD."

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