And I'm starting to get tired ofpretending I'm happy for them.
Seems kind of patheticfor these guys.
I mean, these are grown men.
All of a sudden,they have to start
asking for permissionbefore they do stuff.
They're constantlyapologizing for things.
They don't know what for.
They're just stuck on repeat.
"Sorry, sorry,sorry, sorry, sorry."
And as soon as they get married,
they all get thesebig old guts on them.
That's not from drinking beer.
That's fromswallowing pride, okay?
That's a pride belly.
They're always trying to set meup with girls, though.
And for some reason,the girls always wear glasses,
just like me. Yeah.
I don't know what kind ofracist crap that is.
Oh, that's great.
Let's hook upand not see things together.
I'm not into that.
I'm not into girlswho look like me.
I'm more of an opposites attractkind of guy.
Like, the other day,I run into a girl.
Not only is she wearing glasses,
but she's, like, my completefemale equivalent, right?
Short, brown hair,all Jewy in the face.
It wasn't good.
And really,thanks but no thanks.
I'm trying to do betterthan all this.
I think it's only naturalto look for the upgrade, right?
I mean, you don't think the...think the lonely pigeon
doesn't dream of someday
soaring withthe majestic eagle, huh?
You think the platypuswouldn't rather
hump some morelegitimate mammal?
I'm sure he would, all right?
He's an egg-laying beaver duck,
the pre-op transvestiteof the animal kingdom.
His life sucks.I can do better.
And the other thing is,
when you date someone,that is a potential mate.
That's someone that you mightsomeday have kids with.
And personally, I'm not tryingto double all these genes.
I mean, how much shorter
and blinder could our kidspossibly get?
I'm gonna go hook up with someother short, nearsighted chick?
We're not gonna have kids,we're gonna have a bunch of
freaky little mole babies,you know?
Sure, it'll be easyto get them into college,
but they keepburrowing up the yard,
lowering the property value,and I can't have that.
Here's a little advicefor you guys.
Never hire a clownnamed Molesto.
Don't do it.
I mean it, for real.
So I was, uh, just livingin San Francisco.
That's a weird place
'cause they still have hippiesthere for some reason.
(clapping)I don't know whythey still have hippies.
That's not somethingto applaud about.
(laughter)Uh, seriously,why is that group around?
That's the only group that hassurvived the '80s, right?
You never run into a beatnik,never see
a freaking flapper Charlestoningit down the street, you know?
For some reason,we still got hippies.
I made the mistakeof moving in with a hippie.
Hippie roommate.Horrible mistake.
Apparently, when they say peaceand love, what they really mean
is filthy and annoying.(laughter)
They are terrible people,horrible folks.
We shared a bathroom.We shared a bathroom.
I had a soap.That was established.
It was my soap,so please don't use it,
but I could tellshe was using it.
It was quite obvious,
'cause there'd bea dreadlock pubic hair
sitting right there on the bar,you know?
I smoke weed every now
and again,but I don't got Rasta nuts,
so I know it's not mine.
She insisted everythingshe bought had to be organic.
She insisted on it.
Actually, instead of using
a, uh, regular,chemical-based deodorant,
she would use a crystalfor deodorant.
(laughter)You heard this before?
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, you know how it works?
It doesn't, all right?She stunk.
(laughter)She stunk, all right?
Yeah, the crystal...
The crystal doesn't summonsome kind of BO fairy
who magically makes her pits
smell like rainbows, uh-uh.
She was a vegetarianwho magically smelled
like lamb shawarma, all right?
It was horrible,
and it made me hungryand freaked me out.
I didn't like it.