My wife is a genetics professor,
which sounds really coolon paper, but so did communism.
How'd that work outfor everybody?
Her friends are ass ( bleep ).
They always try to belittle me,
'cause they have PhDsand I didn't finish college.
One night we were out gettingdinner, and this guy was like,
"So, Chad, have you everhad Indian food?"
I was like,"Hello? Thanksgiving."
The pilgrims didn'tbring everything, white man.
Let's go getsome pumpkin pie, Professor.
Even if you don't like the joke,
you have to admit,the choreography is amazing.
Two steps and a quick turn.
Oh, that is some straightPaula Abdul stuff right there.
My wife has an English friend,and she's always bragging:
"We invented your language.
You wouldn't even havea language if it wasn't for us."
"You spelled 'pneumonia'with a P.
'Gnat' starts with a Gin this country."
She goes, "You know what?They're silent."
"You know what?You better be silent...
before I stab you in the facewith a k-nife."
One day, she was at our house,holding our wedding pictures.
She goes, "I don't knowwhy she married you."
I was like, "I do.
"See the ring bearer?That's our son.
Who's the dummy now?"
To be fair, I didn't thinkI had to use birth control.
I thought her eggswould be so smart,
they'd turn my dumb-ass spermaway at the door, you know?
My sperm would swim upall cocky, be like,
"Hey, baby, what's shaking?"
Her eggs would be all smart,they'd be like,
My sperm would be all confused.
Be like, "All right.
Have fun with your camera."
That's a great sperm.
Look at that again,different angle.
Nah, it's cool.I used to be one.
I'm glad you laughed at that.
You know who hates that joke?Test-tube babies.
( groans )
"I never got to be a zygote.Boo-hoo-hoo."
"Put your shirt back on,you no-belly-button freak.
There's kids at the pool."
Oh, laugh it up, ma'am.
They don't have feelings.
But they do have wings.
I don't know if that's true,but it should be.
If you're gonna take the timeto mix up a kid in a dish,
put some cool ( bleep ) on him.
I'd have my own Swiss Army baby.
How great would that be?
"How come that guy's limping?"
"'Cause his leg'sa guitar, dude."
( imitates guitar strumming )
I can't wait till they canput wings on humans.
'Cause they canput wings on humans,
they can put wings on pigs.
When they can put wings on pigs,
lots of pretty girlsfrom college owe me sex.