Nikki Glaser - Everybody's Having Sex

Nikki Glaser: Perfect Season 1, Ep 1 04/09/2016 Views: 1,446

Nikki Glaser discusses how weird people are about sex and explains how you know when a woman is definitely having sex. (1:37)

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Like we're all having sex

but we don't really,like, talk about it.

Like, we'll be like,"Oh, yeah, I've had sex before."

Like, we'll admit that,but we won't be like,

"Oh, yeah, I've been like..."[grunting]

But that's, like,what you look like.

No one admits that.

They're like,"No, I look cooler."

No, you don't.

You're just like...[grunting]

Like, that's--it's just a bunch of,

like, skin,like, shaking.

It's so gross,and you all look like it.

We all do, but, like--the only thing

that, like,differentiates us

is like, we put on clothes,and we're like,

"Nope,I've never done that."

Like, as soonas you're not naked,

you can be like,"No, I don't do that.

What are you talking about?I'm a princess."

Like, that's what's separatingus, is just clothes.

Like, you can give, like,a sloppy blow job and put on,

like, some jeansand a tank top and be like,

"I've never sucked a [bleep]in my life.

What are you talking about?Nope, not me."

And it's like,"Yes, you have."

If you've worn a tank top,male or female,

you've sucked some [bleep].

Like, that's just a factof tank tops, I think, yeah.

Pregnant women are my favorite,'cause you're like,

"I know you doing it.

"Like, you got stuffed.She got stuffed."

Like, you know it,and then you--

Oh, you can find out,like, exactly when she had sex.

Like, all you have to do is ask,like, "When are you due?"

Or pretend you careor whatever,

and then you justdo some light math,

and you count back nine months,and you're like, "July.

"You were just like, like,[grunting] like, in July.

You were getting it."

[laughs]"You love it."

[laughter]

"Yeah, you should beashamed of yourself."

Like, I love that.

That's the thingabout being pregnant.

Like, you--if you tellyour parents you're pregnant,

like, you're pretty much like,"Dad, Chris [bleep] inside me.

Come here."

[laughter]