Uncensored - Kumail Nanjiani - Porn Stuck in the VCR Pt. 1

Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male Season 1, Ep 101 07/20/2013 Views: 11,523

The electricity goes out while Kumail Nanjiani is watching porn, so the only logical solution is to run away. (2:05)

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- But backto the regular porn.

I'm sorry, I knowit's very disappointing.

Ah, regular porn,I would watch it

whenever my parentswere out of the house.

You know,it was go time.

Followed each time

by the inevitable,guilt-ridden shower.

But you can'tshampoo away sin,

which iswhat I thought it was.

But this happensfor three months.

Whenever my parentswere out of the house,

I would watch it,

feel awful.

And, okay, so this wasa VHS tape.

This was in Pakistan,

which isa third-world country,

and sometimesin Pakistan,

the electricity goes.

And whenthe electricity goes,

you don't knowif it's gone for five minutes

or if it's gonefor five days.

One day I'm at home.

My mom'sout for an errand.

I'm almost donebut not quite.

The electricity goes.

And I am fucked

'cause I can't getthe tape out of the VCR.

And I'm like, "Well,I'm gonna have to run away."

I'm gonna pack my bagsand walk the earth,

which sucks,'cause I love my parents,

and I'm 12 years old.

What am I gonna dofor money,

just, like,go town to town,

"Any work needs doing?

I can beat Marioand draw a Ninja Turtle."

That's my whole skill set.

I rememberspecifically thinking

I should bringmy dad's suit with me.

That way,I can grow into it

and then goon job interviews.

So my whole planis to ride out

the next ten yearsof my life

on the streets of Karachi,

which CNN once dubbed"the city of terror."

That is true.

BBC was much kinder.

They called us"city of nightmares."

Which at least impliesthat we have dreams, you know?

[cheers and applause]