- So your porn would beRay...what is it?
- What is--what is the pornname?
It's your middle name and--
- The street you grew up on?
- Or no, it was first pet?
- The pet and the street yougrew up on.
- And these are hard and fastrules.
- Oh...- Yeah.
- So it's pet and street yougrew up on.
What's your first pet?
- My first pet. Buddy. Buddy.
- And what would your name bethen?
- Buddy Kuuleialoha.
- I want to fuck that guy.
- Yeah, he's pretty exotic.
That's a good porn name.
- Yeah, his special sex move issnuggling.
- My porn name would be MonoClifton.
- That was the name of my cat.
- It means different thing inPakistan.
It means, one, you must notkiss.
- And he got arrested when hewas 17,
'cause he--he Amy Fisheredsomeone.
He pistol-whipped them, and thegun went off.
- Ooh.- Amy Fisher? What?
- Oh, the gun went off?- That's what Amy Fisher did.
She pistol-whipped somebody, andthe gun went off.
And that's--well, because mybrother did that same thing
to another person, so therefore,I know...
- Here's the dumb--did he get introuble?
- He went to jail.He's--he got deported.
- Yeah, that's trouble.- He's--yeah.
- He got--I didn't know he gotdeported.
- No, he got 12 years in prisonand deported back to Ethiopia.
- Yo, he had to go to prison andthen go back to Africa?
- Wait, that's why when Kumailwas not a citizen, anytime we
would do anything illegal, Iwould always be like,
"I'm taking every--give me allthe things.
I'll take all the things."
If anything went down, I'm nothaving him get deported.
I'm--I can stay here for therest of my life.
I'm fine, and now he's acitizen, but it's, like,
I had never thought about it.
- Now he can get in trouble forhis own goddamn shit.
- I had never thought about it.
- Every time Kumail waspistol-whipping somebody,
you were like...
- You were like, "Kumail, justwait till you're a citizen."
- Then you can do anything.- "But if you do it, I got you."
- That--but that could go--youcould do all kinds of weird
names, though, if you were todo, like, it's, like, so--
- Like, if--there should be,like, lawyer name.
- Like, what would your lawyername be?
- That would be, like, yourmiddle-school nemesis
and the first car you buy.
- Mine would be, uh, he was aSamoan fella, so his--
my lawyer name would be TupuSubaru.
Hi, I'm Tupu Subaru.
Have you been in an accident?
[laughter]What would yours be?
- Waleed Spectra.
- Yeah, Waleed Spectra.- Yeah.
- I just got a little angrythinking about Waleed, so...
Fashion designer name would be,like,
the person you lost yourvirginity to
and the first city you moved to
after moving away from yourparents.
- Mine is perfect.
Monica Santa Monica.
[laughter and applause]