Tom Cotter - My Grandmother

  • Season 8 , Ep 13
  • 03/11/2004
  • Views: 3,725

Tom Cotter's grandmother faced an untimely death at the hands of his garage. (2:05)

LAUGHTER WAS ALWAYS THE BEST

MEDICINE IN MY FAMILY 'CAUSE WE

COULDN'T AFFORD HEALTH INSURANCE

SO--

[LAUGHTER]

IF SOMEONE GOT A DEEP CUT OR A

BROKEN BONE WE WOULD JUST LAUGH

AND LAUGH AND LAUGH...

UNTIL THEY PASSED OUT.

[LAUGHTER]

AND IF YOU EVER NEEDED X-RAYS

MY FATHER WOULD DRAG US TO THE

AIRPORT AND LAY US UNDER THAT

STUPID CONVEYOR BELT.

[LAUGHTER]

WE'RE A WEIRD FAM--

MY GRANDMOTHER SPENDS ALL OF

HER TIME OUT IN THE GARDEN

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE WE BURIED

HER.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT HAPPENED THERE WAS SHE

FELL DOWN IN OUR DRIVEWAY,

AND SHE WENT TO PRESS THE BUTTON

ON HER LIFECALL EMERGENCY

PENDANT AND THE GARAGE DOOR CAME

DOWN AND IT--

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T EVEN LAUGH AT THAT.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

THE WORST PART NOW IS EVERY TIME

I GO TO OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR

A FRIGGEN AMBULANCE SHOWS UP

IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.

THAT WAS SAD.

IN HER WILL MY GRANDMOTHER

STIPULATED THAT SHE WANTED TO BE

BURIED WITH ALL OF HER FAVORITE

POSSESSIONS.

AND HER CAT WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT

THAT DECISION I'LL SAY THAT

RIGHT NOW.

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAD AN IRISH WAKE FOR HER,

WHICH MEANT EVERYBODY CRIED

AS SOON AS THE KEG RAN OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M MOSTLY IRISH, I'M IRISH

AND SCOTTISH, WHICH MEANS,

I LIKE TO GET REALLY DRUNK

AND WEAR A SKIRT.

BUT IT ALSO MEANS...

[LAUGHTER]

THAT I'VE NEVER HAD A TAN

IN MY LIFE.

I AM GENETICALLY INCAPABLE OF

ACHIEVING ANY KIND OF SKIN COLOR

WHATSOEVER.

I AM AN ULTRA CAUCASIAN.

I AM SUPER HONKEY.

[LAUGHTER]

THIS OF COURSE MEANS THAT I

CAN'T DANCE, I'M HUNG LIKE A

GRASSHOPPER, AND I GET BURNED

BY THE MOON ON CLOUDY NIGHTS.

SO THAT SUCKS.

[APPLAUSE]

WE DRINK.

I DRINK A LOT.

I USED TO BELONG TO AA BUT I HAD

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