Myq Kaplan - Yaybies

  • Season 14 , Ep 22
  • 01/11/2010
  • Views: 24,828

The word "boo" should not be in the word "boobies" because boobies are awesome. (2:24)

I DON'T LIKE THE WORD "BOOBIES."DISRESPECTFUL TO WOMEN.

"BOOBIES"?

THEY SHOULD BE CALLED"YAY-BIES."

HOW ABOUT THAT, EVERYBODY?

WHY IS "BOO" IN ITWHEN THEY'RE AWESOME?

THEY SHOULD BE "YAY-BIES"OR "HOORAY-BIES"

OR "STANDING-O-VA-BIES,"YOU KNOW?

IF THEY'RE NOT PERFECT,THEY'RE STILL "OKAY-BIES."

THEY ARE NOT GREAT"PER-SE-BIES,"

BUT I'LL TOUCH THEM "MAY-BIES."

AND FEEL FREETO USE ANY OF THOSE.

I WOULD AVOID "HOORAY-BIES."

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DISEASE,

SOME KIND OF HERPES/RABIES COMBO

THAT YOU GET WHEN A DOGBITES YOUR JUNK.

POINT IS,IF YOU'RE THE KIND OF PERSON

THAT THINKS THAT BOOBS --

OR "YAYBS,"AS YOU SHOULD CALL THEM --

ARE THE SEXIEST PARTOF A WOMAN'S BODY, I DISAGREE.

I BELIEVE THE SEXIEST PARTIS THE SKIN.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE SKIN,

I'M NOT GONNA SLEEP WITH YOUAT ALL.

NO MATTER HOW BIG THEY ARE,EVERYBODY.

ALL RIGHT.

I TRY TO INSPIRE KIDS,EVERYBODY.

I TRY.

I TELL KIDS ALL THE TIME,"THE SKY IS THE LIMIT.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, KIDS."

AND THIS KID SAID TO ME ONCE,

HE'S LIKE,"I WANT TO BE AN ASTRONAUT."

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S TOO BAD.

"SKY IS THE LIMIT.

SKY IS THE LIMIT.

"LEARN SOME VOCABULARY BEFOREYOU TRY OUT FOR NASA THERE, KID.

YOU ARE A SMART KID."

SMART KIDS, THESE DAYS.

EVERYTHING'S SMART.TECHNOLOGY'S SMART.

I HAVE A CELLPHONETHAT CAN TAKE PICTURES.

YOU CAN HAVE A PICTURE POP UPWHEN SOMEBODY CALLS YOU,

SO YOU MIGHT PUT A PICTUREOF THE PERSON THAT'S CALLING

TO POP UP WHEN THEY CALL.

I DON'T DO THAT.

I PUT A PICTURE OF MY FACE

REACTING TO THE WAYTHAT PERSON MAKES ME FEEL.

YOU DON'T TAKEAS MANY PICTURES THAT WAY.

JUST ONE OF ME FROWNING.

I HATE PEOPLE.DON'T CALL ME, RIGHT?

I LOST MY CELLPHONE,AND THAT IS NERVE-RACKING.

YOU EVER LOST A CELLPHONE?

IT'S LIKE LOSING A CHILD...

OR NOT EXACTLY.

IT'S LIKE LOSING A CHILD

WHO HAD MEMORIZEDALL THE NAMES AND NUMBERS

OF ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

IT'S LIKE LOSINGAN AUTISTIC CHILD.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BEFORE YOU JUDGE, LET METELL YOU TWO QUICK THINGS.

NUMBER ONE, I RAN THAT ONEBY AN AUTISTIC KID.

HE SEEMED FINE WITH IT.

NUMBER TWO, A WOMAN ACTUALLYCAME UP TO ME AFTER A SHOW ONCE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AND SAID,

"HEY, I WANTED YOU TO KNOW THATI WORK WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN,

"AND I LOVE THAT JOKE...

'CAUSE I HATE THOSE KIDS."

SO I'M NOT THE BAD GUY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY.

I HAD A GREAT TIME TONIGHT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

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