Lewis Black - Endangered Species Act

Brian Haley & Lewis Black Season 1, Ep 0150 02/24/1992 Views: 9,596

That platypus is tasty. (3:38)

WHOLE COUNTRY.

H. ROSS PEROT?

I THOUGHT IT WAS A STEAK SAUCE.

( cheering and applause )

GEORGE BUSH, MR. ENVIRONMENT?

HERE'S A MAN WHO WENTTO THAT CONFERENCE IN RIO

ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENT

CAME OUT AGAINSTTHE ENDANGERED SPECIES ACT.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU COME OUT AGAINSTSAVING ANIMALS THAT ARE DYING?

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

BECAUSE THEY TASTE GOOD?

( laughter )

OOH, THAT PLATYPUS IS TASTY.

MM-MMM.

LET IT RIDE.

UNBELIEVABLE WHATTHIS GUY HAS SAID.

HE SAID TO PEOPLE, LIKE, THEREASON THE ECONOMY WAS BAD WAS

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND I

WEREN'T BUYINGENOUGH CARS AND HOUSES.

SO I SENT HIM A LETTER.

I SAID, "SEND ME A CHECK,I'LL BUY ANYTHING."

ABOUT HEALTH INSURANCE

SOMETHING THIS COUNTRY NEEDSDESPERATELY, DESPERATELY.

THERE ARE PACKS OF BABOONSRUNNING AROUND AFRICA

THAT TAKE BETTER CAREOF THEMSELVES THAN WE DO.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT HEALTHINSURANCE IS FOR ME?

I'VE GOT BAND-AIDS IN MY CAR.

THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES SAID

ABOUT HEALTH INSURANCE,"STAY HEALTHY."

( laughter )

I HEARD THAT, MY TEETHTRIED TO REACH AROUND

AND EAT MY OWN BRAIN.

( clapping )

BECAUSE I BELIEVEMY TEETH LOVE ME THAT MUCH.

MY FAVORITE THING HE EVER SAIDWAS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO

DURING THAT GREATCONFLICT IN IRAQ

DURING A "STATE OFTHE UNION" ADDRESS

THE PRESIDENT OFTHE UNITED STATES

COMING OUT OF NOWHERE,GOING NOWHERE, SAID

"IF YOU HAVE A HAMMER,FIND A NAIL."

( laughter )

I WAS HOME ALONE, I PANICKED.

( laughter )

I GOT A HAMMER, I GOT A NAIL.

I WALKED AROUND MY APARTMENTFOR TWO DAYS

AWAITING FURTHER INSTRUCTION.

WONDER WHERE HE WANTS METO PUT HIS PICTURE?

( laughter )

THEN DURING THAT WAR, HISHEART WENT... REMEMBER?

AND THEN JUST RECENTLYCAME BACK FROM JAPAN

HE HAD THAT VOMIT-THONOVER THERE.

( laughter )

BOTH TIMES THEY TOOK HIMTO THE HOSPITAL

AND BOTH TIMES EVERY HEAD INAMERICA WENT, "OH, MY GOD, DAN."

( cheering )

IF YOU HAVE FRIENDSWHOSE HEADS DIDN'T DO THAT

GRAB THEM NOW AND TWIST THEM.

( laughter )

HOW DO YOU SPELL"VICE PRESIDENT"?

P-O-T-A-T-O-E!

( laughter )

DO WE HAVE TO HAVEA LITERACY TEST NOW

IF YOU WANT TO BEVICE PRESIDENT?

P-O-T-A-T-O-E.

I DON'T ASK MUCHFROM A VICE PRESIDENT

BUT I DO EXPECT 10 CENTSON THE DOLLAR.

( laughter )

AND AS SOON AS THAT HAPPENED--AS SOON AS THAT OCCURRED

SECRET SERVICEMEN SHOULDHAVE SCURRIED ABOUT

THROWN HIM TO THE FLOOR

AND SAID, "THE VICEPRESIDENT'S BEEN SHOT."

THANK YOU.