TO SEE MY FAMILY, OR TO LIVE WITH MY FAMILY. I TOOK MY DOG HOME.
I HAD MY DOG IN ONE OF THOSE KENNEL CARRIER THINGS,
YOU KNOW, THOSE BOXES-- THEY MADE ME TAKE THE DOG
OUT OF THE CARRIER SO THEY COULD INSPECT IT FOR EXPLOSIVES.
WHO BOMBS A [BLEEP] PUPPY, REALLY? WHO DOES THAT?
BIN LADEN WOULD BE LIKE,"YOU'RE A DICK, DUDE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU-- THAT'S TOO FAR."
EVERY FLIGHT I'M ON IS DELAYED. YOU GO TO THE AIRPORT
AND SEE I'M ON YOUR FLIGHT, YOU GOT TIME, ALL RIGHT,
'CAUSE WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE, EVERY FLIGHT.
I HAD A FLIGHT ONCE FROM SAN DIEGO TO L.A.-- DELAYED.
IT'S A 22 MINUTES FLIGHT. THEY DELAYED IT FOR 90 MINUTES.
I'M LIKE "THE WHOLE REASON I PAID YOU $84 IS 'CAUSE
I DIDN'T HAVE TWO HOURS TO DRIVE."
BUT YOU CAN'T SNAP ANYMORE AT THE AIRPORT
'CAUSE THEY'LL ARREST YOU. LIKE I'M TRYING TO BE CALM,
BUT I'M PISSED. LADY AT THE COUNTER DOESN'T CARE.
IT'S LIKE, "WHAT SEEMSTO BE THE PROBLEM, SIR?"
I'M LIKE "I'M STILL HERE. THAT'S WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?""CALM DOWN, SIR.
WE'RE JUST MISSING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT."
"I'LL PUSH THE DRINK CART. LET'S [BLEEP] GO, DUDE."
WE DON'T NEED FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.
IT'S A 22-MINUTE FLIGHT. WE DON'T NEED ANY PILOTS.
JUST DRIVE IT UP THE FREEWAY.WE'RE IN A JET.
- THEY'LL GET OUT OF THE WAY. - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
EVERY FLIGHT, AND IT'S ALWAYS 'CAUSE OF THAT SECURITY.
THAT'S GOT TO GO. ALL RIGHT?
I'M SICK OF WAITING FOR PEOPLETO TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF.
NOT EVERYBODY'S A THREAT TO HIJACK THE PLANE. ALL RIGHT?
THE 95 YEAR OLD GUY WITH THE WALKER--
IS NOT GONNA HIJACK THE PLANE, ALL RIGHT? TRUST ME.
CAN'T STAND IT. TRAVELING'S THE WORST.