Richard Jeni - Cooking

  • Season 6 , Ep 3
  • 05/05/2002
  • Views: 6,749

Richard Jeni wants a cooking show for a guy like him. (3:48)

BUT THERE ARE SOME HOPEFUL SIGNS

OUT THERE.

THERE ARE SIGNS THAT

MEN AND WOMEN ARE GETTING CLOSER

TOGETHER.

IT'S NOT ALL BAD, RIGHT?

FOOTBALL FOR ONE.

HOW MANY WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE

ENJOY FOOTBALL?

APPLAUD IF YOU DO.

(APPLAUSE)

SEE.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S A LOT MORE THAN USE TO.

AND HOW MANY MEN IN THE AUDIENCE

ENJOY LITTLE CRYSTAL ELEPHANTS

ABOUT THAT SIZE?

(LAUGHTER)

ALL RIGHT, WE GOT A WAYS TO GO.

(LAUGHTER)

THERE ARE A LOT OF ADVANTAGES,

MAN.

FOOD'S BETTER IF YOU'RE MARRIED.

I'VE NOTICED THAT.

IT'S GOT TO BE BETTER THAN THE

FOOD I'M COOKING AT MY HOUSE.

I HAVE FLIES THAT WON'T EAT

MY COOKING.

THAT'S PRETTY LOW.

YOU GO, "YOU FLIES WANT SOME

FOOD?"

AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME

THING.

"EEEEHHHH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE

SOME DOG CRAP."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU SURE?"

"NAH, WE DON'T WANT TO BE,

WE GOAT A BIG STEAMING PILE,

WE'RE FINE."

(LAUGHTER)

I CAN'T COOK BECAUSE THERE ARE

NO COOKING SHOWS ON TV FOR A GUY

LIKE ME.

THESE ARE ALL YOUR COOKING

SHOWS.

ALWAYS A GUY, FANCY APRON,

"HELLO, WELCOME TO COOKING THAT

HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE'S

ACTUAL LIFE.

TODAY WE'RE MAKING A VERY

COMPLICATED RECIPE,

USING INGREDIENTS YOU DON'T

HAVE, UTENSILS YOU'VE NEVER

HEARD OF, IN A KITCHEN BIGGER

THAN YOU'RE WHOLE BLOODY HOUSE."

AND YOU'RE GOING, WHY DON'T THEY

EVER HAVE A COOKING SHOW WHERE

THE HOST IS JUST A REGULAR PIG?

WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A COOKING

SHOW WHERE THE HOST IS A REGULAR

PIG?

JUST SOME GUY OUT THERE, HE'S IN

HIS UNDERWEAR, BIG, FAT STOMACH,

BALD HEAD, PORNO BOOK,รง

PIZZA BOXES EVERY PLACE.

A SHOW CALLED "COOKING WITH BILL

THE BELCHING GOURMET."

A SHOW FOR ANYBODY WHO EVER

TRIED TO MAKE TUNA FISH ON

TOAST...

BUT WOUND UP IN THE BURN UNIT

WITH MAYONNAISE IN THEIR HAIR.

JUST A BIG PIG MAN GOING,

"(BELCH) HEY, THANKS FOR TUNING

IN (BELCH) TO MY SHOW,

'COOKING WITH BILL THE BELCHING

GOURMET.'

(BELCH) TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO MAKE

A NICE BEEF WELLINGTON AND I'D

LIKE TO BE IN A HOT TUB NAKED

WITH SELMA HAYEK BUT (FART)

LET'S BE REALISTIC."

(LAUGHTER)

"HERE'S WHAT I AM COOKING.

FULL FAT MACARONI AND CHEESE.

STILL THIRTY-EIGHT CENTS

A METRIC TON FOR THIS CRAP.

(BELCH) JUST POP IT IN

THE MICROWAVE AND SET IT ON

CARDIAC ARREST.

(BELCH) WHILE WE TAKE A LOOK

AT SOME THE MAIL THAT'S BEEN

POURING IN FROM YOU GUYS OUT

THERE WHO NEED COOKING ADVICE.

HERE'S A GUY WHO WRITES IN, IT

SAYS "DEAR, BILL.

THE OTHER DAY MY WIFE AND I GOT

IN AN ARGUMENT OVER THE SALAD

FORKS.

(BELCH) SHE SAYS THEY GO ON THE

RIGHT.

I SAY THEY GO ON THE LEFT.

SO, HERE'S MY QUESTION,

(SNIFFS SNOT)

DO YOU THINK ST. LOUIS CAN COME

BACK AND GET IN THE SUPER BOWL

NEXT YEAR?"

(LAUGHTER)

AND SPEAKING OF MYSTERIES,

WHY DOES DIET COKE ALWAYS ONLY

HAVE ONE CALORIE?

THEY GET THE OTHER CALORIES OUT

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THAT

LAST LITTLE BASTARD?

AND WHY DO THEY SAY YOU GOT TO

WAIT AN HOUR AFTER YOU EAT TO GO

SWIMMING?

THE OTHER DAY, I FED MY FISH

(BELCH) AND THEY WENT SWIMMING

RIGHT AFTER THEY FINISHED

EATING?

(BELCH) ANYWAY, BEFORE I GO OFF

ON A TANGENT, HERE'S MY

QUESTION.

"I WAS LOOKING AT KEITH RICHARDS

OF THE ROLLING STONES AND STEVE

TYLER FROM THE GROUP AEROSMITH

AND I WAS WONDERING WHAT YOU

THINK OF THIS.

"IT LOOKS LIKE HEROIN IS REALLY

GOOD FOR YOUR HAIR."

(LAUGHTER)

HEY, HOLD ON, MY WIFE IS YELLING

ABOUT SOMETHING IN THE OTHER

ROOM.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT,

IT'S A BOY!

AS I WAS SAYING...

"I'M WORRIED ABOUT MY HEALTH

AND I'VE NOTICED THAT THE MORE

DISGUSTING A FOOD TASTES WHEN

YOU EAT IT, THE MORE LIKELY

IT IS TO BE GOOD FOR YOU.

AND THEN I NOTICED THAT MY DOG

IS ALWAYS LICKING HIS OWN ASS.

SO DOES HE KNOW SOMETHING

THAT I DON'T KNOW?

'CAUSE HE'S GOT A REAL SHINY

COAT AND I'M LOSING ALL MY HAIR.

SIGNED CONFUSED."

WELL, THANKS FOR THAT LETTER.

WELL, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO ANSWER

ALL OF THOSE QUESTIONS.

(APPLAUSE)

UNTIL TOMORROW, REMEMBER OUR

MOTTO, "NEVER FRY BACON

WHEN YOU'RE NAKED."

(LAUGHTER)

SO THERE, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

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