Patton Oswalt - Reality

Season 1 , Ep 0101 12/05/04 Views: 17,299

Reality runs out at 4:30 tomorrow afternoon. (3:41)

THEY TOLD ME THE MONEY WAS

BURIED UNDER A GIANT "O".

[LAUGHTER]

ALL RIGHT, SO...

[CLEARING THROAT]

"I WANT A FAMOUS FACE."

THERE WAS A TV SHOW WHERE PEOPLE

WENT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND

SAID, "I DON'T LIKE HOW I LOOK."

BUT, INSTEAD OF DEVELOPING AN

ORIGINAL PERSONALITY, OR MAYBE

CHARM, OR A STARTLING PRESENCE,

"I WANT SOMEONE TO TAKE A HOT

KNIFE TO MY FLESH AND CUT ME

TO MAKE ME TO LOOK LIKE THE

PEOPLE ON THE TV BOX AND THE

MOVING PICTURES."

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT SOCIOPATH'S DO.

YOU DON'T GIVE SOCIOPATH'S TV

SHOWS.

THOSE PEOPLE--

AND HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE.

THEY CUT THEMSELVES TO LOOK LIKE

BRAD PITT, OR BRITANY SPEARS--

VERY GOOD LOOKING PEOPLE, BUT IF

THAT SHOW HAD EXISTED IN THE

80s, THERE'D BE GUY WALKING

AROUND LOOKING LIKE HALL & OATS

RIGHT NOW GOING, "YEAH, I LOOK

LIKE JOHN OATS FROM HALL & OATS,

I KNOW, IT'S PRETTY GOOD."

"PRETTY GOOD, MAN.

LIFE'S ALL RIGHT.

LIFE'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M ON A [BLEEP] TRAIN,

AND IT'S NEVER DERAILING.

IT'S NEVER DERAILING.

IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE GOOD.

IT'LL ALWAYS BE GOOD."

IT'S AWESOME.

PRETTY GOOD."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I JUST IMAGE SOME GUY GETTING

GASSED, "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE

STEVE GUTTENBERG."

[NASAL SOUND]

WHEN ARE THEY--

WHAT ARE THEY NOT GOING TO DO A

REALITY SHOW ABOUT?

WHEN IS THERE GONNA BE A THING

WHERE REALITY SHOW PRODUCERS

GO, "YEAH, LET'S NOT BOTHER

FILMING THAT.

LET'S--"

[LAUGHTER]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU CAN'T FILM EVERYTHING

AND PUT IT ON TV.

THERE USED TO BE A TIME WHERE

YOU WOULD COME HOME AND REALITY

WAS SO CRAPPY YOU WOULD TURN ON

THE TV TO WATCH STUFF PEOPLE HAD

MADE UP SO THAT YOU COULD ESCAPE

FROM THE CRAPPY REALITY.

NOW YOU GO OUT AND YOU DEAL WITH

DICKHEADS AND MORONS ALL DAY AND

YOU COME HOME AND GO, "I JUST

WANNA GO HOME SO I CAN WATCH

DICKHEADS AND MORONS ON TV.

OH, MY GOD.

WHEN CAN I-- PLEASE."

THERE'S NO ESCAPE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IF WE KEEP FILMING ALL THE

REALITY THERE'S GONNA COME DAY

WHEN WE WAKE UP AND ON THE

HORIZON THERE'S GONNA BE THIS

HUGE WALL OF WHITE SILENCE

SLOWLY ROLLING TOWARDS US.

AND EVERYONE'S GONNA GO,

"WHAT'S THAT?"

THEY'RE GONNA GO, "THAT'S 4:30

TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

WE FILMED ALL THE--

THERE'S NO REALITY LEFT.

WE FILMED IT ALL.

WE RAN OUT OF REALITY.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE

THE 8th SEASON OF WORLD'S MOST

LISTLESS LOITERERS.

BUT YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW

WHY WE PUT THAT ON EVERY NIGHT."

AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO

HIRE HOLLYWOOD SCREENWRITERS,

START WRITING PEOPLE'S REALITIES

SO THAT WE DON'T RUN OUT OF IT.

AND THEY'LL GO, "YEAH, MAN GETS

UP.

HAS BREAKFAST.

GOES TO WORK."

BUT THEN THE PRODUCERS COME IN

GOING, "YOU CAN'T JUST HAVE A

GUY EATING BREAKFAST AND GOING

TO WORK.

THERE SHOULD BE A NINJA ATTACK

OR VAMPIRES OR SOMETHING."

AND THEN THAT'S--

WE WILL START LIVING IN A

SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER FOR LIFE.

THEY'LL BE JUST LIKE--

EVERY DAY YOU'LL HAVE TO GET UP

AND FOIL A TERRORIST PLOT

OR HAVE TO, YOU KNOW, DEAL WITH

TIME TRAVEL.

AND THEN THE BIG SUMMER

BLOCKBUSTER MOVIES WILL TURN

INTO STUFF LIKE "MAN EATS

CEREAL."

AND LIKE YOU'LL GO TO THAT FOR

ESCAPE.

BUT THEN THERE'LL BE INDY GUYS

GOING, "SEE, THIS HOLLYWOOD

CRAP, THAT'S NOT REALITY.

WHERE'S THE NINJA VAMPIRES, MAN?

ALL THESE BIG SUMMER

BLOCKBUSTERS.

IT'S CRAP!

DO SOME REALITY."

[APPLAUSE]

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