- Women are awesome.Women over-think men.
That's your biggest flaw.
You think about men too much.It's true.
And I know this because I'll seeyou guys at the gym,
reading Cosmo, right, to learn stuff.
And the coversare so male-centered.
So much of your literatureis so male-centered.
Forget about us.Don't worry about us.
We're idiots. Just let us go.Just have fun.
Enjoy your run at the gym.
You deserve that, you know?
'Cause every Cosmo is like,
"25 ways to blowhis mind in bed."
Well, I can think of one:bang him.
It's like, "Five things to doto his ear to blow his mind."
Or like, "What his socksays about his future."
It's all just bullshit.
And women don't know it.
They're like,"No, I'm learning."
And, like, you lookat who writes them.
It's usually--I know a lot of writers.
A lot of them are gay dudesand women.
Like, that's the perspective.
If a straight dudewrote an article for Cosmo,
it would just say, "Feed us,fuck us, stop yelling,"
blank page, blank page,blank page, blank page.
That's all we have to say.
And we're dedicated to women.
Women always thinkthat we're not trying hard.
You ever notice that?
They're like,"He's not even trying.
I'm sad."We're trying so hard.
We just don't know.Like, we just don't know
what to do a lot of times,
'cause you're more complicatedthan we are.
You guys have sensesthat we don't.
It's like the movie Predator.
Like, they cansee other colors.
That's like women with men.
They're like,"How do you not know
that we should've leftthe party?"
I'm like, "'Cause you didn't sayyou wanted to."
I'm like, "You saidyou were having fun."
She was like, "Yeah, but Iwas like, 'I'm having fun.'"
I'm like,"What does that mean?
No one knows what that means."
All my married friends, myfemale friends that are friends
with my buddies, they're alwayslike, "How do I train him?
"How do I get himto do what I want?
He's such a free spirit."
I'm like, "It's easy.
"He wants to make you happy.
Just be excited about it.Don't yell at him."
We're dogs.Dudes are dogs.
Throw the ball.You ever watch football?
What do you think we are?That's it, throw the ball, run.
We are such dogsthat we will watch other people
play "throw the ball."
Like, "Throw the ball.Oh, you got the ball?
Yeah!Throw the ball."
Like, that's--we're idiots.
If you guys want to train a guy,don't yell at us.
Women are always yelling at us."Take out the garbage!"
It's like, then, when you leave,we'll pee on the bed, right?
Like, we're dogs.
You want to get us to do it,be excited about it.
Be like, "Who wantsto take out the garbage?"
Like, I'd be like,"What?"
She'd be like,"You're good at the garbage."
I'm like, "I'm good at this?No freakin' way.
Look at this.I'm good at this."
'Cause we're just madeto make you happy.
From the time we're babiestill we die,
we're programmedto make women happy.
That's why we're here.
We're horny, we're hungry,and we're here for you.
That's what our deal is.